My husband said the song had something about being someone's gold or something, so I'm assuming the song he referred to is one entitled, "As Long As You Love Me." I'm guessing the Biebs has a wee co-dependency issue, but there isn't anything inherently threatening about that title.
So the first minute of the video is pretty much Academy Award material. Biebs is talking to a girl's Dad about her, and the Dad is telling him that his daughter needs a man, and I guess B isn't that man. Actually, I think he looks more like a lady dressed as a man, but that's beside the point. Or is it? Maybe Justin is trying to tell everyone something, with his flippy hair and bad-ass denim vest. I think that, in the next few minutes, he's going to show us all just how manly he can be. He's looking pretty....well...apathetic, but I can just tell that that apathy is going to turn into some....well...let's call it almost-anger.
Oops. I was wrong. After the acting part came whining and an "I'm about to cry" face. Wait, they're going to run away together? How can he even drive a car? Uh oh, you know he's mad because as he's singing about the seven million people in the cruel world and whatnot, he's doing a little pop and lock. They could be starving and homeless, as long as she loves him.
Bieber, if you were starving and homeless, there's no way you could get the product you need for your hair to survive. Keep that in mind. And should you really be encouraging other 12-year-old couples to run away together? I think that's a bit irresponsible. I like the crying baby he uses in the background of the song.....oh, wait. That's his own voice, dubbed in. My bad.
Wait, why are you starving and homeless if you can turn into precious metals? And why would you turn into silver or gold if you could turn into platinum? That's way more valuable, plus it's a lot more durable. Oh, yeah, I forgot: It's just a song. I'm getting sucked in to the fine, fine drama being played out before me on the YouTube. Hey now, Bieber, calm down. (I can tell he's getting really upset because he's either having a tantrum or all of those high-pitched lalalalalas are akin to Billy Elliott's angry dance, and in a minute he's going to show us all an even manlier side of his manliness. If he adds a tralalala, I'm going to run for it.)
She could be his Destiny's Child? Didn't that group break up? Just wondering. At this point, I'm not even following the lyrics anyore. I'm just trying to understand the rich tapestry of story that is being woven before my very eyes. For instance, does he not know that his girlfriend's Dad is Michael Madsen? Have you seen Sin City? That guy will shoot you in the back. Seriously.
Uh oh. Big Sean (I'm assuming that's the rapper guy...I'm too old to know these people) is in the house. Or, more accurately, the parking garage. It kind of looks like he's wearing a string of pearls, so you know he's classy, plus he just said Hallelujah, so he probably goes to church. I'm going to vote that he's not part of the Bieber threat. I think he just wants to dance around in a garage full of sexy ladies and really, who doesn't want that?
Can I just say, again, that there's nothing hotter than a guy who looks like he's a four-year-old about to have a tantrum because his mom won't let him have the blue sippy cup? Yeah, B has that down. Okay, back to the video.
This is definitely the best part of the video, so you should feel free to just fast forward to the last half minute or so. Michael Madsen is beating the crap out of Biebs for trying to run away with his daughter. This is the best thing I've ever seen. Ever. If I had a kid and my kid tried to run away with Bieber, I'd beat the crap out of him, too. And from the looks of it, I'd just get my six-year-old daughter to do it, because poor Justin does not put up much of a fight.
I guess Justin Bieber is not really a threat to the world's safety. His lyrics aren't much of a threat, as they make no sense at all; the high-pitched lalalalalas are probably the most dangerous part, but I think he sings so high in some parts that only dogs can hear him anyway and dogs have really sharp teeth, so I think they can take care of themselves. The two biggest threats, in my opinion, are his dancing, which is fabulous and ever-so-ghetto, and his hair, which we all know is taking over the world by storm.
You know you wish you had a Bieber cut.
So, basically, I think we're not in any danger, but keep your eyes peeled for a ladyboy with fabulous hair and smooth dance moves who tries to run off with your teenager in a big fancy car, stopping along the way to pick up a rapper wearing pearls and a group of dancers in a parking garage. If that happens, just call Michael Madsen or a first grade teacher of your choice. Either one of them should be able to hook you up.
Here's the video, in case you're curious. You're welcome.
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