Just in case anyone out there needs help in this arena, I wanted to share my top ten hints for dressing for an evening at the opera.


1. Make sure that you wear something that's just a little too warm if you're going to be outdoors. Nothing says, "I love the arts!" quite like a sweaty forehead and clothes that are sticking to your back.


2. If you are over the age of 70, you are required to wear a brightly colored dress that cuts off at mid-thigh, a pair of patterned tights, crocs, a bouffant hairdo and clown make-up. Note that I said required. I think it's some kind of law that they snuck in with a bill that said, "Killing other people is illegal...and women over seventy must wear...to the opera."


3. Young men should always take a first date here, and they should always make sure they look like they put on a suit without showering first. Because, really, poor hygiene is just smoking hot, and pretty much guarantees that you'll get past hand-holding on that date.


4. To go along with number three, young ladies who are being taken to the opera on a date should definitely wear their shortest, tightest dress. Nothing says classy like a dress that lets everyone see the goods up-front.


5. All women under the age of forty must wear dress shoes that are a size too small or too big (you make the call), and that have at least a five-inch heel. Women over the age of forty may wear these, too, but it's not a requirement. Make sure that you teeter crazily on said heels, so everyone around you gets to make bets on when and where you're going to fall down.


6. If you're going to the opera in Santa Fe, it's perfectly acceptable, even desirable, to dress up like a turquoise cowboy. That way, no one will know you're a tourist.


7. Clashing animal prints? Yes, please.


8. Bring the smallest bag you own, then cram it full of all of your crap so it looks all stretched out and lumpy, because you don't really want to carry around a big bag with you all night, do you? And you know you're going to need 47 Q-Tips and a pack of ballpoint pens if you don't just go ahead and bring them.


9. Hearkening back to number three, just don't shower. Anyone. There's nothing like listening to beautiful music and having the smell of b.o. and the feet of the guy behind you gently wafting into your nostrils.


10. Finally, if you're Robert Redford, make sure to wear a white blazer. You know, so you can remain incognito.