When going to the store, it is very important to remember that one's goods should be on display at all times. Don't be tricked into thinking that the people behind you at Target don't want to see your back fat rolls clearly through your tight, tight t-shirt. Also, for the love of all that is holy, please remember to let that little strip of skin right above the back of your jeans show, so we can all see your butt crack.

Because, really, one's crack is the epicenter of one's look, and should be on display at all times. 

It's also good to keep in mind that, if you have a prepubescent daughter, you should just go ahead and borrow her jeans. Don't let those sweet sparkly butt pockets go to waste, just sitting at home in a drawer, waiting for a person who weighs about 50 pounds to take them out.

Yep, shove and squeeze your 200-plus-pound butt into them. That sparkly design looks ever so much better stretched out as much as possible. It's like a glittery rainbow exploded across your bum.

Oh, and your tight t-shirt? Make sure it's cut lower in front than your bra, so we can see all of what you've got going on. Nothing says class quite like visible nips and a full set of belly rolls. One can never show too much boob and/or stomach.

Thanks for keeping these tips in mind.