When I was a kid, I loved vegetables, so I don't have that whole, "My mom told me that when I was a grown-up I would like to eat my vegetables." issue. I'm pretty sure that's a load of crap, anyway.


Unless you consider tater tots to be vegetables.


I also enjoy french fries and salads, if the salad has fruit on it and lots of crunchy fried things, along with a delicious dressing that's chock-full of fat and preservatives.


Oh, and I made pumpkin muffins. That makes them count as a vegetable. Also, I have decided that it's perfectly acceptable for me to put cheese on any vegetable that I'm forcing myself to consume. So now I will eat vegetables at every meal.


This is, of course, a lie.


I force myself to eat them boiled with a little salt and pepper. I wish I could love them the way I did when I was little, but there's always something so much better looming in the background. So I eat them really fast, in order to get to the good stuff as quickly as possible. Even the best green beans pale in comparison to a big hunk of steak. Or meatloaf, or turkey, or mashed potatoes, or....


...mmmm. Thanksgiving.


Anyway, I have to make myself eat them. I have to. They are good for me, and I want to look good when I'm old. I don't look that good now, but I think I could pull off the 'old lady' look. So I will throw that can of V8 into my lunchbox and drink it super fast, as if it was a shot of something that would make me enjoy my day just a wee bit more.


Hold on...is coffee a vegetable? It comes from beans. Beans are vegetables. Why is coffee not in the produce section? I'm calling shenanigans on the grocery store for that one. Also, I'm pretty sure chocolate comes from beans. Wait, wait, wait. Vegetable oil. Notice that the name contains the word vegetable. So if I fry something, it's going to have that vegetable goodness in it.


I am practically a vegetarian now. Holy cow.


What? I can justify anything. Bring it on.