I pretty much don't use public bathrooms unless it's an emergency. If I have to use one, I feel gross the rest of the day, until I get to my house and can bathe off the ick. Is that so weird?


Apparently, yes.


Every time I watch Monk, which I don't do too often lately because I'm generally tied to my kitchen sink, being the Betty Crocker that I am, I see a behavior that looks perfectly normal to me but its inclusion on the show tells me that it isn't. Yesterday, for example, I saw the episode where Monk is watching a play and has to use the men's room and the guy that plays Doc on The Love Boat is a men's room attendant, so Monk ends up being okay, because the bathroom is actually really nice and clean and the attendant has 10 fancy soaps, lined up all nice and straight. Ah.


You can tell it's a TV show because first of all, theater bathrooms are always gross. Just always. I've never seen one that wasn't. Secondly, even if it was clean he probably still wouldn't be in love with it. I think I might be okay with public bathrooms if they were clean, but they never are. Plus, the idea of an attendant in there would make me so self-conscious I couldn't pee, and number two? Oh, no. That doesn't happen in public bathrooms. Uh uh. Just...no way. The only time that's going to happen is if I'm having a volcanic stomach and it's a choice between a public bathroom and my car. Then, I'll do it. 


Keeping my fingers crossed that that doesn't happen anytime soon.


Another reason I don't like public bathrooms, besides the filth and the stench, is that I'm always party to some kind of weird behavior and then I have to try not to giggle, but I always lose that battle. Last time we went to Costco, there was a lady in the bathroom who went pee and then, while I was standing at the sink, singing, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" twice (don't judge), she came out of the stall and then just left, not washing her hands. So I was looking at her as though I was pretty disgusted, which I was, and then another lady started washing her hands at the sink next to me and she said, "I really hate it when people do that. It's so gross." As I'm turning to smile and nod at her, she cuts the cheese. Loudly. Then, she proceeds with the conversation as though nothing had happened.


I'm not adult enough to think that is not hilarious.


I was shaking, trying to just smile and dry my hands to get out of there, and then I snorted and had to fake a cough. It was rough. She seemed pretty oblivious, but I'm sure she was embarrassed. I would've been. Not that this experience was that weird, but I do hate it when I see (or hear) something funny and I can't just laugh at it.


So, the moral of the story is: Public bathrooms are the devil, unless Bernie Kopell is in there. Then, you're safe. Still, though, bring rubber gloves and a gas mask, and try not to see or hear anything. Oh, and wash your hands for the length of time it takes you to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle" twice. Otherwise, you're in big trouble.