Oh, yes. I realize this is becoming more of a grammar blog, but really, people, what must I do to make you see what a dire situation we're all in?


AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH.


Today's topic is the phrase "would have," or, for many of you, "would of."


Would of? Really? Does that look right to you? Oh, and where does the v in "would've" come from? Did it magically appear on the back of Dumbledore's phoenix, Fawkes?


I don't think so. Fawkes is not in the consonant transportation business, as a rule.


It's "WOULD HAVE," as in, "I WOULD HAVE taken you to the store." Not "I would of taken you to the store." Keep in mind that it's also "could have," or, if it's called for, "should have."


For example: "I would have beaten the crap out of you, but I didn't bring the right shoes for butt-kicking. I certainly should have. I could have driven all the way back to my house to obtain said shoes, but you are so totally and completely not worth my time."


See how easy that is?


I hope you've (you HAVE) all learned a little something today: It's NEVER "would of" or "could of" or "should of." It's ALWAYS "have" after one of those three words.


This isn't that hard, people. Third graders can do this. Well, maybe not, since their teachers are required to make them feel good about themselves before they're allowed to teach them anything, and that's a pretty difficult task, since most of them do nothing but drink sugary sodas and play violent video games. I don't have kids, though, so what do I know? I do know, however, that when I was in third grade, I had a handle on this.


Yeah, I got made fun of. A lot. Want to make something of it?