I have this relative who's about to have a baby and I'm very excited about it. Mostly because it contributes to the cluttering up of my Facebook page with baby pictures (I'm not being sarcastic here...I flipping love pictures of babies and puppies and pretty much anything else...I think it might be the bright colors), but also because I'm pretty sure her kid is going to be fun.


Why shouldn't she be? I mean, the rest of the offspring of my cousins have been cute and funny, and they're only tiny little kids thus far, so we obviously dominate the world with the coolness of our gene pool. I think we were programmed to have cool kids, probably by our Grandma. Well, those of us who are having kids are having great ones. The rest of us get to sit back and watch the coolness happening and then get a good night's sleep. Ha ha ha.


Anyway, I'm pretty psyched to see how this one's going to turn out. If she's anything like her Mom, we're all in a lot of trouble. Especially her Mom. I realize that this probably isn't encouraging, but this is the person who could argue her way out of anything by the time she was 8 months old. And I don't mean 8 months on the outside. I mean pre-birth. As in, I'm pretty sure, although I wasn't really there, that she actually argued her way out of the womb because she was ready. She doesn't strike me as the type that would just sit back and let birth happen. I'm pretty sure when she was done, her day-timer alarm went off in there, and she said, "Alright. It's time!" And it was done.


Most of you would think this sort of behavior is a little advanced for a fetus, but if you knew her, you'd know that it could've totally happened that way.


Have I mentioned she's a lawyer? I mention it every five minutes when I'm around her, because I'm sort of trying to live vicariously. She doesn't use it enough. If it was me, every time I wanted anything, I would say, "Excuse me, I realize we're all in line for the toilet, but I need to get in there first. I'm a lawyer." I would then watch all the ladies step aside, sort of like Moses and the Red Sea, and proudly go in to do my lawyerly business.


Alas, when one is a musician, this doesn't work (I don't even want to think about what would happen if I said that, except substituting 'receptionist' for 'lawyer'...the results could be tragic). The only time the phrase"...because I'm a musician" works is when we're discussing why someone sucks on American Idol or whatever. Then, though, it's mainly just me, shaking my head and trying not to sound like a douche while explaining why I don't like those kinds of shows (no one on there is any good at the kind of music I do, anyway, so my area of expertise is way outside that circle), and still sounding like a stuck-up hoity-toity poop-head.


Maybe I should use stuck-up hoity-toity poop-head as my new occupation. "Excuse me, but I need to get my Starbucks right away. I'm a stuck-up hoity-toity poop-head."


Yeah. That works. Now, where was I?


Oh, yes, yay for more babies. We've already got several keepers, so I think this one's going to fit right in. On the proper day, exactly nine months to the minute after conception, this Mom's going to look at her watch, and say something like, "I think it's time." Then she will composedly get to the hospital and inform them that she will be needing her birthing room, where she will quickly and efficiently deliver that baby. Because she's a lawyer.


Did I mention that I've decided anyone with the temperament to be a lawyer has superpowers? They do. So watch out, everybody. There's another member of our happy little clan on her way, and I'm pretty sure she's going to be a force to be reckoned with. Because her Mom's a lawyer.


http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8k4i0_saturday-night-live-the-view-star-j_fun