Lately, it's become apparent to me that some of you who are now, well, carrying around a little bit of extra poundage, did not grow up as fat girls. Therefore, I will now share some of my tips with you for dressing successfully and camouflaging those unwanted extra bits of you.

First, make sure to always wear light-colored, tight pants, such as leggings. That way, the cellulite will show through. It isn't as bad as you think it is, anyway, so go for it!

Second, buying a bra that fits well isn't really important. Those back bulges happen to everyone, so just get the tightest one you can squeeze yourself into, disregarding the fact that you have now created a pair of back boobs that may or may not look similar to this:

Nice. Now, for our third step, we are going to examine the length of that skirt you're wearing. All fat girls have good legs, right? So make sure that your skirt is short enough that you wouldn't have been allowed to wear it in Middle School, and be sure to bend over a lot so everyone can see just how good the backs of your upper thighs look. Yes, they do look as awesome as you think they do. Those lumps only show up when you're turning around to look at them in the mirror...they totally go away when you're standing normally.

Finally, it's important to show a little bit of tummy and to keep that shirt nice and snug. You wouldn't want to be caught wearing ill-fitting, loose clothing, now would you? You should probably continue to buy your shirts in the same size you wore in high school (you'll probably drop those few pounds you've gained any day now), and definitely show off your sexy abs. No one wants to look like a toothpick, and you'll definitely be more attractive to others if you let them see the goods up-front. A little curve outward is completely normal, and rest assured that the ultra thin material in that tank top you're wearing really does cover up any slight imperfections you may have. An added bonus is that you can show off those toned upper arms you've been working so hard for.

In case you haven't noticed by this point, I am being sarcastic. Do not do any of these things. Cover yourself up. No one wants to feel the breeze created every time you're wearing a tank top and you wave at a friend. Your thighs DO look like cottage cheese, and you have a beer gut. Buy some clothes that actually fit, and never, ever wear white leggings. And yes, you do have back boobs. If your cup size is larger than a B, you're going to need more than 2 hooks to support those bad boys. Trust me, the people standing in line behind you at the bank will thank you.