Today is the day. You're all going to get to hear the story of Sam's Club. Try to contain your excitement.


Now, I have lots of stories, as does everyone else on the planet. My stories usually involve bodily functions happening in an inappropriate place, profusely, or someone falling down. This is a rare example of a story that has no bodily functions (not mine, anyway) OR falling down in it.


When my husband and I were first dating, we used to go with my parents to the Sam's Club in Santa Fe every few months or so, to help them get groceries. This would've been back when I was in my late teens, I think. So, yeah, the 1850s, because as we all know, I am older than time. Anyhoo, we were all in Sam's, and then we did the inevitable split-up. My mom would take one cart and me and my dad and my husband would take the other cart and just wheel aimlessly around, pretty much waiting for my mom to be done, and throwing the occasional irresistible item into our cart (except we knew that it was highly likely that whatever we picked was going to get vetoed by my mom, because she has ultimate supermarket veto powers).


We're going down one of the frozen food aisles when we see this cart, full of food, that looks like it's just been abandoned. On the top of the cart is an open package of turkey lunch meat, except upon closer inspection, we could see that the turkey was kind of blueish and emitting a funky smell. Ick. My husband goes in for a closer look, and this lady comes up behind him and says (angrily), "Excuse me. Can I help you?" Apparently, it was her cart. He just looks at her and says, "No, ma'am. I was just smelling your turkey."


We then walk off quickly, giggling like crazy because it was such an odd situation, what with my husband having just informed a lady that he was smelling her turkey. My dad, who has referred to himself as the FartMaster, starts...well...yep, it's bodily function time. Which makes us walk through the section really fast, but now we're all laughing so hard we're crying, and the laughing just makes my dad's "situation" worse.




So we finally stop to catch our breath by this big display of lobsters. My husband, who worked at Red Lobster during college, picks up a saran-wrapped one and says, "I used to kill these things." Right at that moment, his finger and/or the lobster's claw breaks through the plastic and the sharp pointy part of the claw cuts the crap out of his finger. Perfect timing on the lobster's part.


So he's bleeding, and we're all laughing hysterically, and then...


...my mom walks up and looks at us like we're the most embarrassing people on the face of the Earth. You know the mom look, and we get it quite often, as we're usually the ones who laugh in church, restaurants, offices, you know, any place where laughing really loudly until your nose is running and you look like you're crying is inappropriate.


So, yeah, that just made us laugh harder. The look is scary, but it's also highly ineffective.


Ta da. Best trip to Sam's in history. Well, for us. Probably not so much for my mom.