An Open Letter to People Who Chew With An Open Mouth and other Noisy Eaters

Dear Noisy Eaters,


This letter isn't intended to hurt your feelings. Really, it's intended to help you; nay, to help the whole world to lead a better life. A life free of all the noises that come along with being a noisy eater. A life free of my hand smacking you upside the head for making me puke.


Some of you chew with an open mouth. Didn't your mother ever tell you that that's rude? No? Well, I'm here to say that yes, it is rude. Moreover, it makes other people sick to see all of that lovely masticated goodness going on in your mouth. Please, please, please, for the love of all that is good and kind, shut your mouth when you chew. If you have a stuffy nose and can't breathe, try to think of creative ways to get some air in there. Maybe shut your lips all the way except for a teeny hole at the side that can be used as an air hole. Try practicing in front of a mirror so you can see what I'm talking about.


Not all noisy eaters chew with an open mouth. Some like to eat juicy foods in public and make lots of sucking and slurping sounds. Here's a rule of thumb for you: If you're in a place with background noise, try to keep your slurping below the background noise level. If you're in a place with no background noise, your slurping sounds revolting and you're likely to make me want to put dog poop in your mailbox. Not that I'd ever do that, because as we all know, that would be a federal offense, but it's that kind of icky. Cantaloupe? Yeah, that's a bad one. Pretty much any kind of melon is rough. Maybe eat it alone, or at least when your non- hearing-impaired friends aren't around. 


Finally, and this has nothing to do with chewing: If you're going to eat something that is goopy and delicious and gets all over your hands, please don't spend the next twenty minutes sucking all of the crap off of your fingers. That's not fun for anyone but you. We're all thinking about the spit and germs that now cover your hands. Ew. Use a napkin, or, if you must lick off your hands (it happens; I've even had to do it), do it quickly and quietly and then find a place to wash them. The slurping sound is bad enough, but when you do it for an extended period of time, it becomes truly nauseating.


I hope you will all learn a little something and that these lessons will brighten up your day. Or, at least, that they'll brighten up my day when I don't have to be exposed to as much of your saliva and/or digestive processes.


Love and Kisses,
Me