My sister's Facebook status this morning made me realize that other people don't necessarily follow proper protocol when they see an embarrassing situation. Therefore, I will give you the necessary steps to take when confronted with a situation that makes you feel embarrassed, either for yourself or for others, when you're watching a TV program.


First, you have to tell the person on the TV what he or she is doing that is going to lead to an embarrassing situation. For instance, if you're watching The Cosby Show and you hear Dr. Huxtable say something about waiting for his wife to come home, you know they're going to be all kissy smoochy and whatnot in front of the kids, which is gross and uncalled for. So you should probably yell at him, "Hey! Those are children! I know what you're thinking about, but if you do that in front of the kids, you're going to scar them for life!" It's also important to remember to yell a lot at the TV when you're watching a horror movie, because you know all the people in it are seriously mentally deficient. A kind of deficient where I'm surprised they can remember how to breathe. So, whenever someone suggests taking a shower or going for a walk in the woods (whether it's alone or with someone else, that part doesn't ever make a difference), make sure to tell them that they're going to die. "Hey! Don't you hear the music? Does that, I don't know, sound spooky to you? I'm pretty sure Scooby-Doo isn't around, so that means you need to get somewhere where it's well-lit and non-spooky and stay there until the music goes away!" They never listen, but at least you know you did your part.


The second part of this is the hiding part. Now, I have been informed by my husband that this is not normal behavior, but it feels pretty natural to me, especially as my Dad and sister do it too. So we must be right about it. When you see the embarrassing situation unfold, you have to hide from it. So say you're watching an episode of Saved By The Bell (which is embarrassing enough on its own, and you should probably just go ahead and hide whenever you hear the theme song) and Mr. Belding is talking and you hear emotional-sounding music. Yeah, you need to take cover. At the very least, go ahead and pull your shirt up over your head and squeeze your eyes shut as tightly as you can, and wait until all talk of feelings is past. If it's an option, though, I recommend the running-from-the-room method. It's even simpler:  You run from the room. As soon as you hear any statement that leads you to believe someone is going to bare their innermost feelings. Because, come on, it's humiliating for them, and if you watch it, you're practically taking part. Yikes.


Sometimes I want to do this in real-life situations, but I don't think my boss would like that. So I do an inside shirt-pulling-up maneuver. It's like going to a happy place, but it's hard because you have to pretend like you're listening to the 80-year-old lady tell you about her husband's irritated man parts or her severe flatulence issue (both of those have happened...I wouldn't make that first one up). Keep trying, though. You don't want to have that kind of stuff creep into your brain or it will make you a seriously warped person.


Trust me, I know.