Ugh. I didn't even realize I missed yesterday until just now. Go me. I have a huge pile of work to do, since I slacked off for the whole of March, and now it's time to get on it. First things first, though.


I would like to make a list of all of the things that scare and/or disturb me, mostly because I think a lot of them are hilarious and don't make any sense, and I enjoy making fun of myself. Also because I ran out of regular coffee this morning and am now enjoying some instant Folgers crystals. I can now add that to my list, as well. Yet I still drink it, maybe because I know that if I don't, I will have a headache worse than any instant coffee nastiness this afternoon. However, I don't think it makes me have my usual super brain power, so I have an excuse for my idiocy this morning.


Here it is, just what you've been waiting for...The Top Seven Things That Bug/Scare/Irritate/Terrify/Disgust Me:


1. Clowns - Why do we insist on showing these things to children? They are not cute or fun. They want to eat our faces off. I've seen Scooby-Doo and I know that the clown is always the bad guy in a mask; therefore, all clowns are bad guys in masks. Scooby-Doo wouldn't lie about that sort of thing.


2. Outer Space - This one scares the crap out of me. I don't know why, but if you want to see what true terror is, make me look at a big picture of a planet or a galaxy or something like that. Yikes. I think maybe I was severely beaten at a planetarium as a child.


3. Maps - Not road maps, but really any other sort of map. Why? See the one about outer space. I have no idea. I can look at them, but they make me feel all icky and then I need to throw up. I like to think it's because they usually have a bunch of non-straight lines on them, and that they usually aren't symmetrical, but deep inside I know the truth: I am a weirdo. There's no good reason for it.


4. Meat on the Bone - Not scary, just disturbing. There's something truly gross to me about gnawing on a big old hunk of meat that's still on a bone, complete with tendons and whatnot. I have a little trouble with most meat, but I can usually get past it, unless there's a bone. Case in point: Thanksgiving involves a whole turkey, but at my house it also involves me crying because I feel sad for the turkey that was fed so it got all misshapen and then we killed it. So my mom takes over, a little disgustedly because she is a master and can cook any sort of meat dish you want, and my husband laughs at me, because, well, I'm crying about a turkey. Which I realize is a ridiculous thing to do, since I'm not a vegetarian, but bacon is just so delicious I can't go there.


5. Shaking Hands - I HATE THIS. Now, this one is totally all on my OCD, I know, but come on. It's gross. People do not wash their hands, and then I'm expected to just relieve them of half of the feces that have accumulated on their dirty, sticky, sweaty hands. Yet, I'm too polite to just say no, so I have to go use a quarter of the ginormous bottle of hand sanitizer in my car. I'm not really convinced that it kills poop, though, so I try not to touch anything until I can get somewhere and wash my hands. It's not really a germ thing, people, it's a poop thing.


6. Using Other People's Bathrooms - Okay, I guess while I'm getting this all out there, I better acknowledge this one. I just feel embarrassed, REALLY embarrassed, to use someone's bathroom. So you know if I ask, it's because it was either that or I was going to pee my pants. It's not because I'm afraid of their germs; I just feel like I'm inconveniencing people by peeing in their house.


7. Worms - Yes, the least harmless of all creatures on the planet. I am terrified of worms. Like an "I can't garden because if I see one in the soil, I will explode from the fear" kind of terrified. I'm sure that half of you are sitting there thinking that this is even stupider than maps and planetary junk. The other half, though, are surely with me in thinking that these little mofos are going to rise up one day and take over. I think the whole harmless thing is part of their evil plot. Really, they're a lot like clowns in that they want to chew your face off with their enormous mouths that have rows and rows of piranha teeth (bet you didn't know they have those...they totally do, they just hide them really well). Now you know, and forewarned is forearmed. Your best defense is going to be to scream like a three-year-old girl and run away. That's what I do, and so far it's been a successful plan.


There you have it. Now maybe you'll feel a little better about yourself, since you're not afraid of maps, like a weirdo. It's all good, since this is a public service announcement that I made to encourage all people to come together to rid the world of a more serious foe: Clowns. Or worms. Those are bad, too.