There are some weird people in the world. I'm sure most of you have noticed this, but I kind of feel like I need to talk about it today. It's like I have some kind of weird people magnet in my body somewhere that draws these people to me, so I can revel in their weirdness.


Oh, and I do not mean weird in a good way, like me. No, I am referring to those people that you meet that make you want to stab yourself in the face with a fork so you can go to the hospital and escape them.


Today, for instance, I encountered Everyone Needs to Hear My Business Lady. She was all kinds of strange, plus, she smelled like mildew and had horrible breath that she kept blowing into my face. She then proceeded to talk to another lady that she didn't know all about her estrogen gel that she uses for....I don't even want to say what it's for, so let's just say she has a desert in her pants (she used the actual term...I can't go there), as well as her mental and hemorrhoid issues. Why would you say that aloud? Not just aloud, either, but aloud LOUDLY. Come on. When your husband has to hide behind a magazine so people won't know you two are related, maybe your mess has just exploded all over everyone and you need to simmer down a bit.


There was also the lady that we bought two houses from that always did a number two in the bathrooms of the houses she was showing us. She would disappear for like ten minutes and then show up, all happy and proud, and then we'd go look at that bathroom, since we'd already looked over the rest of the house. Who does that? Wouldn't you show the people the bathroom first and then go do your thing, if it was necessary? I understand intestinal issues, but maybe try to have a little consideration for my smell issues.


I also love Erectile Dysfunction Man. He casually mentions that he's taking Viagra and then raises his eyebrows at me like I'm going to think he's more attractive after I know that. Sorry, guy, but 70-year-old men aren't that hot to me at this point. I'm sure that I'll get to where you don't look like my grandpa, but I'm just not there yet. Keep your pants on.


Finally, I can't talk about weird people without mentioning The Lady Who Cries (A LOT). It's not really one lady, it's multiple ladies, mixed together. I encounter them wherever I go and they tell me about how hard their lives are, and then they cry (a lot). It's not that I don't cry a lot, myself, because I do, except I try really hard to only cry in public on those occasions where I just peed my pants or I just got pulled over for speeding and showing the officer my boobs didn't work. I'm probably not a very nice person for saying this, but I kind of just want to look at these people and say, "So?" but I wouldn't because that would be mean. Their stories almost always involve some traumatic childhood event (which isn't nearly as traumatic as the time my Dad smashed a moth in a Kleenex and then pretended to sneeze into the Kleenex and showed me the squished moth, acting like that's what came out of his nose) that has impaired their ability to act normally in public. So I say I'm sorry and then the awkward silence ensues. Yeesh. Kills me.


Yep. There are some weirdos out there. I understand that there are many people out there that might be considered by some to be weirder than the people in my list, but I can't help that. Weirdness is definitely subjective. I'm sure I have a place on some other person's weirdo list. I wonder what my name would be?


I know. It would probably be Weird List-Maker Lady. Kiss my grits.