Today, I would like to warn you all of the doom that is upon us. Summer is approaching and that means the return of the dreaded:

Yes, the jean short that doubles as a panty.


Remember, folks, not everyone should wear the janty. In my humble opinion, no one should wear it, but I could make a few exceptions:


1. People under the age of six
2. People over the age of 80 (when I'm in my golden   
   years, I'm going to do what I want)
3. Really athletic construction workers in a rock video


That's pretty much it. If you fit into any of those categories, rock on. Otherwise, I'm thinking you should consider adding a few inches of length to those janties.


For the rest of us, we can only be vigilant and try to stay prepared. Try to keep your eyes up as you walk down the street in order to avoid any unnecessary crotchal displays. I also find it helpful to keep away from the mall on Saturdays, as I know I'm going to see a massive amount of janty there, and I don't want to burn out my retinas. Sunglasses also help, especially indoors, as they really minimize the visibility of cellulite, which helps keep the ick down to an tolerable level.


For those of you asking yourselves, "Do I have a pair of janties? Should I wear them?" you might want to go through the following checklist:


1. Do you have a muffin top? If yes, no janties.
2. Do you have any cellulite (be honest)? If yes, no janties.
3. Are your legs white enough to burn people's retinas out? If
   yes, no janties.


If you've gotten through this checklist, see my checklist above. If you don't fall into any of the categories I mentioned, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, think of the children.


NO JANTIES.