One of the most fun things to do when I'm bored is to provide alternate dialogue for people while I'm sitting in my car, watching them. Yesterday, for example, I was waiting in my car at the gas station while my husband went in to get something, and I saw a couple who was obviously having an argument. I couldn't hear what they were really saying, but their fake conversation went something like this: "I don't care, BillyJim. You are not going to the dance with your hair like that." "Yes, I am, Shalonda. You can't make me into some kind of Barbie doll. I need to wear gel. Lots and lots of gel."


And so on. One needs to see the subjects' hand motions to tell what they should be talking about, but it was evident from this particular couple that BillyJim (who did, indeed, speak with a very heavy Southern accent, sort of like those people on that show about people who live in swamps) was very much into his gel, and Shalonda wasn't having any of that.


Name selection is very important. Picking names that sound as funny as possible at the time is a good idea. It also helps if there are as many people in the car as there are voice replacement subjects (this is the best place for this activity; if a person does this where other people can hear the dialogue, sometimes the other people get irritated). Men should also have high-pitched, twangy voices or funny accents, and most women should have a funny accent or a nasally "secretary through the intercom"-type voice.


That's really about it. Once names have been chosen, as well as subject matter and voices and/or accents, one is ready to start. Go slowly at first. Start with things like asking the other person what his or her name is, or what they do for a living. There's also the option of having kissy smoochy talk between two people that look like they'd be a very odd couple.


Once a person has mastered that, though, he or she can start with the "crazy internal conversation." That's when there's someone who's by himself and obviously suffering from some sort of inner turmoil (or not...be creative). Those are definitely more challenging, but they can also be the most rewarding, especially if one is willing to go for more edgy subject material; maybe the voice replacement subject is hearing voices in her head or, my favorite, preparing for an oncoming bout of explosive diarrhea.


This can provide a person with minutes of amusement. After that, you're on your own. Just please, for the love of Mike, don't pick your nose. Those windows in your car are see-through from both sides, and everyone else can, indeed, see you. Thanks.