Today is weigh-in day. I'm already on the other side of it, but I think that it should never happen the day after a holiday. Of course I'm going to weigh more. I ate an entire bowl of chips and salsa, followed by a ginormous meal involving steak, washed down with a platter of cake. Okay, maybe not that much, but you get the point. So this morning when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was up an entire pound, I did the usual things: moved the scale, in case there was an imperfection in the floor under the scale, causing it to make me weigh more (this is dangerous, as more often than not, I weigh slightly more after I move it and I have to decide which weight to enter for the day). When this tactic failed to produce results, I then went to the bathroom and tried to pee again. Of course, seeing that I just went about 2 minutes before this, I wasn't surprised when I couldn't do anything. Finally, I went for the old stand-by. I convinced myself that it was because of my lady time. Of course, that (and if you don't know what that is, call your mom and ask) is nowhere in sight, but it makes me feel less like it's my fault. I actually went in and looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Wow....I look super bloated. It MUST be water retention."


I think I'm going to write a book called, "How To Get Out of Stuff/Make Yourself Feel Better About Eating An Entire Quart of Ice Cream." It's going to be really short, about three chapters long. The first one will be a prologue, all about me and my qualifications (none). The second chapter will be called "Pretend You're Having Your Period," and the final chapter will be called "Explosive Diarrhea - They'll Buy It Every Time." (I say this, not having ever used it.) Explosive diarrhea? Genius! Who would make that up? You know they're going to let you leave work or whatever it is you're trying to get out of, because...come on. You know they can't call your bluff unless they follow you into the bathroom, and they're not going to do that. It's like the Ace of Spades of excuses.


That being said, I wouldn't try it too often, or they'll get suspicious. 


Oh, and the period excuse? That doesn't really work with other people once you're out of high school, so use it while you can (unless you're a man, in which case I wouldn't use it all). Afterwards, it can become a way to make yourself feel better about not being perfect. Can't concentrate? Hormones. Looking fat? Water retention. Feeling lazy? Body's trying to tell me something. Better lie on the couch, watching reruns of The Love Boat, as I may be getting cramps at any moment. I'm not talking about real hormonal issues, either, as those are truly awful and have nothing to do with this. This is just referring to times when you want something more to blame it on and the usual, "Oops, I ate too much. Better work out extra this week!" doesn't quite cut it. It just doesn't feel very nice, so the solution is to invent an excuse that you know your brain will accept.


Another idea is to start a blog and then write about nonsense when you really should be getting work done, and then end abruptly when you've completely exhausted your subject matter. I like that one a lot.