In my never-ending quest to not weigh a metric ton, I have started trying exercise videos. I'm sure it's quite amusing to watch, as I am probably the least coordinated person ever to attempt these moves, but since I do the exercising when I'm alone at home and I draw the curtains, no one will ever get to see it.


I do think they could pick people who aren't so perky. If the ladies who are running the show could hear what I say to them, they'd probably either start crying or come after me with their well-toned arms and buns of steel and kick my butt.


Sometimes I worry that the people that live in my neighborhood or the mailman or another person that happens to be on the street will hear me berating the fitness instructor and will think I'm talking that way to a real, live person. Just to clear up any misunderstandings: I am alone with my TV, and I get very angry when a 90-lb. lady starts telling me how easy the exercise she's doing really is. It's called gravity. She should look into that, as it basically means that the Earth is pulling me down way harder than it's pulling her down. For crying out loud, I think my arm weighs more than her whole body. She does have a ginormous head, but I think that only gives her a pound or two. Therefore, I am entitled to call her bad names and make fun of her as much as I want.


I want an exercise DVD that has funny stories about the instructor scrolling across the bottom of the screen. That way, you feel like the makers of the DVD are making fun of her, too, and that makes it way better. If they had snack breaks, that would also be nice. Why is nobody making this video? I think it sounds amazing.


Also, if you get sore from doing the exercises, you should get two full days off from exercising, and be able to eat whatever you want without gaining weight. This will be super helpful, because when you go back, you'll be all rested and you'll have eaten, so you won't feel like you're going to pass out halfway through.


Wow, these are great ideas. I should've been an exercise video producer. At least when I workout today I'll have some new things to try. Especially the snack breaks. I think I can incorporate those really easily, plus since I'm exercising I'll be able to justify whatever I ate. Goodness gracious, this is outstanding. I think I just changed the world of exercise forever.


Okay, I know it's crap, but I really hate those ladies. I'll probably just yell new bad things at the TV, and that will have to be enough. For now.