Dear Guy Who Gave Me A Booger-Covered Envelope,


I don't really know you, but I feel somehow that we now have a very special connection. I mean, not only did you give me a payment, but you took the time to enclose it in an envelope with your mucus on it. Not everyone is so considerate. In fact, some people just hand me a nice clean check, without bothering to crumple it up and smash it into a dirty old envelope which is then closed with an extra-large helping of spit, to keep it moist. Not to mention their envelopes' conspicuous absence of phlegm.


I truly appreciated the extra effort that must've gone into wiping your snot on the filthy envelope. You'd already done the crumpling and gotten the check filthy, but no, that wasn't sufficient. You had to go the extra mile. 


After you walked out the door, I wanted to call after you, "Hey! Is there a charge for this little gift?" but you were already too far away to hear me. I knew, though, that you must really care.


And as I put on gloves, disinfected everything, put on a new, clean set of gloves and re-disinfected, I felt so special that I almost threw up.


Yours Truly,
The Person Who Had To Handle Your Booger-Covered Envelope