I often wonder why in the world people choose the ringback tunes they choose for their phones. So as a public service, I'd like to tell you all exactly what I'm thinking while waiting for you to answer your phone. Note that most of these thoughts occur when waiting to speak to someone over 40. I'm not talking about teenagers here, as that would require way more time than I've got, because, well, ew.

For the adults out there:

If your ringback tone has any words in it referring to bikini-covered body parts, I'm thinking that you're probably not very smart, and I doubt that we'll ever be best friends.

If your ringback tone is a song that's about getting drunk, I'm thinking that you're probably not very smart, and I doubt that we'll ever be best friends.

If your ringback tone is a heavy metal song with unintelligible words, I'm thinking that you're probably not very smart, and I doubt that we'll ever be best friends.

See a pattern? Sometimes when I see someone after having heard their ringback tone, I'm shocked that they're sober and still have so many teeth. I know, however, that there are ever so many Megadeth t-shirts in closets throughout this town, in case you ever need to borrow one. That's all I'm going to say about that.