When I'm out and about, enjoying the sun and whatnot, I feel that it's my responsibility to keep all of my jiggly bits as covered up as possible, so I can avoid frightening small children and just generally making people vomit.

Apparently, most people that were on the cruise with us did not feel that way. 

Granted, I tend to go overboard, as in, I wear a big long t-shirt over my bathing suit which I will not take off unless there are absolutely no people around, and even then I have to keep checking for the approach of other people so I can put my t-shirt on if it looks like someone's coming.

However, this cruise contained a new sight for me: Really large ladies in bikinis.

Now, I am fat. I'll say it right out loud, and I don't love the fact that I'm fat, but I've been this way since I was eight, so it's really not a big surprise to me that I have extra poundage hanging off of my gut. Apparently, though, some of these women have never been informed that they are not slim.

But they're not.

Pretty much every day, when we were out walking around the deck and looking at the scenery and scoping out the back hair and the moobs (which is a whole other post, because...whoa), we would see a lady, covered in that tanning grease people use to increase their odds of getting skin cancer a tan, and only the naughty bits of her body would be covered.

How do you get that kind of comfort with yourself? I almost wish I could feel that way for a day, but really, it was kind of embarrassing. They'd be all splayed out on a deck chair (sometimes with their splendiferousness overhanging on both sides), with the magnificence of their bellies just out there for all to see. I wanted to ask them if they knew that bikinis made in a size 5X or larger (and that's being quite kind) are just for fun and not actually meant to be worn, but I thought that might be mean.

So I just thought it in my head.

I didn't even try to take pictures of it, because the images burned themselves into my brain and it became more of an issue for me to try to forget what I'd seen than something for me to put in my vacation slideshow.

Seriously.

It was pretty rough.

The worst part was that once you'd seen it, you couldn't look away. It was like those gaping belly buttons had tractor beams in them (and some of those suckers were like an inch and a half in diameter), and one's gaze was repeatedly drawn back in. This was not only rude, it was dangerous, because these ladies were also gifted with an abundant helping of sass, and were definitely the type to get pissy if they felt stared at.

I realize that I get pissy when I'm stared at; however, I would never, ever, ever, ever choose to wear a bikini in public. Or in private, for that matter. I feel like my body is circus-y enough on its own, without too much help from the clothing department.

Do these women have no friends brave enough to say, "Girl, you are totally hot, but that bikini isn't doing you any favors. Let's look for a one-piece. With a skirt. And maybe a jacket. Or maybe just cover the whole thing up with a muumuu, which is back in style now, I hear."

A real friend could pull off that statement.

Let's all make the commitment, right now, to tell our friends when they're doing something, fashion-wise, that is just offensive. No more spaghetti straps that look like they're cutting off the wearer's circulation, or jeans that are so tight they're giving the wearer muffin tops AND bottoms (cankles have to come out somewhere). It's great to be comfortable with one's body, but in the interest of the children, let's keep it PG.

Or G. Whatever.