Tonight, my family and a friend and I are going to an event that we all look forward to so much, I can't even stand that it's already here! If you are in Northern NM, don't forget that this weekend is the New Mexico Gay Men's Chorus Christmas concert weekend. So much fun and they do great work, so GO!

It seems a shame to waste such a beautiful day on work, but I guess they'll be expecting me, so I guess today isn't a pants-free day. Unless I could pull that off at work...no? Never mind.

Anyhow, yesterday, I had a very clever person use the term "cosmetic emergency." I have heard all sorts of reasons why people need to get in, but I think this one was my favorite. In honor of that person's fantastic choice of words (really, I loved it), here is a list of tips to help a person get into his or her medical office of choice a little faster during the holiday season:

First, you want to make sure that you fake an emergency. We totally can't tell the difference, and the list of symptoms we ask you about is just a joke. So just cry and scream a lot, and we'll feel sorry for you and bump some people that truly are in pain and give you an appointment, and everything will be all fine and dandy. Until you walk in, at which point you will have a bunch of really irritated people with pointy sharp things in their hands that will be working on you. Then, you may not feel quite so smug and self-satisfied.

Secondly, and this is important, make sure to let the person you're speaking to on the phone know how little you think of him or her. Make sure to be as condescending as possible, and if all else fails, yell a little bit. That's really the best way to get the outcome you want, because the person who handles the phone calls is generally the person in charge of how much the office charges and what hours the office is open. You know, stuff like that. Front-desk people really respond well to rough treatment. Oh, and they'd never, ever let the doctors know which patients treat them like crap on the phone. Never. So just let it fly.

Finally, it's completely necessary to be inflexible with your schedule. If you're told that the doctor has one opening left THIS YEAR, make sure to ask if he or she has anything a little later in the day, or on the next business day. The person you're speaking to is probably lying and is just holding all those choice after-school and early morning time slots for her friends and family. Yeah. So make sure to only accept the day and time that fits perfectly into your schedule, because doctors really do get an extra four hours a day when they graduate from medical school, so that they can spend more time at the office. I'm surprised you didn't know that.

If you do all of these things, you should be...well...happily shopping around for a new doctor's office. That was the point, right? No? Ah, yes, I forgot. So if you want to stay where you're at and just get in, try being nice, asking what times they have, and only saying it's an emergency when it really is. That's a lot more effective and it makes for a much more pleasant feeling in your insides when you're approached by that person with that sharp, pointy object.