In response to a suggestion from a reader, I'd like to present some advice on etiquette at the mall. It seems that quite a few people forget how to behave in this very, very public place, and maybe those people need a quick reminder.


First and foremost, one should remember to wear one's tightest, most poorly-fitting clothing. How are people going to see the goods if they aren't on display, right? Make sure that any tube tops are at least two sizes too small to ensure excitement for the viewer (if the people around you aren't concerned about accidentally getting a peek at the nipple area, the tube top isn't tight enough). A large amount of visible butt-crack is also desirable, but not mandatory. It's probably enough if a person and her teenage daughter have both borrowed something that looks like it came from the toddler section at the Gap, and the daughter's shorts are so short that, not only can they rightfully be called janties, her fellow mall-goers are also treated to a public viewing of her cellulite in all its glory(I know...teenagers with cellulite...the world is a-changing)!


Secondly, please remember to walk very slowly and stay in the very middle of the path that is being taken. The people approaching from the rear need to learn that the mall is not a place one goes to accomplish any specific tasks. The mall is a place for contemplation, meandering, and talking on one's cellphone very loudly about why Veronica's boyfriend broke up with her. If a person is in a big hurry, and has actually come to the mall to attempt to buy something in a timely manner, she should simply push through the people in front of her (without saying a word) and rush past, not forgetting to flip off the people who were in her way. Also, keep in mind that all of the people in the immediate area are really very interested in whatever conversations are happening around them, cellphone and otherwise, so make sure to speak loudly and clearly. Oh, and don't forget the profanity. It adds that special dash of mall color that makes everyone's day brighter.


As a side note, the mall is definitely a good babysitter, so feel free to drop off unwanted adolescents there for the afternoon. Everyone enjoys watching twelve-year-olds run through the mall, screaming and pushing down little kids to their hearts' delight. Ah, to be a child again...


Anyhow, I digress. There is one more aspect of mall attendance that is of the utmost importance, yet is frequently overlooked by the average mall-goer: The large soda. Please, no matter what else is done during the course of the day, don't neglect the large soda. It's practically a requirement. One should purchase the beverage at the beginning of one's day at the mall, so as to have maximum drinking time, and carry it throughout the mall. Including the bathroom. If that drink hasn't had time to sit on the counter while its owner is taking a whiz, it's missing out on a vital part of the mall day, and so are the people who get to try to work around it as it takes up valuable, germ-filled counter space. As a side note, it's really not necessary to wash one's hands after using the facilities. They're probably pretty clean; I wouldn't worry about it. After the bathroom break, it's time to take that soda everywhere you can. Make sure to take it into stores and hold it, drink-sweat dripping down onto whatever is being viewed, while perusing the selection of silk blouses at Macy's. Be sure that one's fellow shoppers are offered a drink, as well. It's lovely to be mindful of one's neighbor's thirst and whatnot.


There. Now everyone is prepared for the big day at the mall. Be sure to be extra aggressive in the parking lot, as walking an extra two feet really is a hardship, and don't forget to buy a bunch of crap! Happy shopping!