In my infinite wisdom, a few months ago, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor this morning. I don't know why I picked a Monday morning to get poked and prodded, but I did and now I'm looking forward to the inevitable question:


Have you ever thought about losing weight?


I get it every time I go in, no matter what I'm going in for. Not to the dentist or eye doctor, but everybody else. Hurt foot? Lose weight. Tore your rotator cuff? Lose weight. Sinus infection? Lose weight.


The best part is, right about now, all the people who are reading this that are at a normal weight have no idea what I'm talking about.


Oh, it's completely true. I'm guessing the doc isn't aware that I own a mirror or a scale, or that I buy clothes, so I know exactly what size I am. Nope. I've had to shop in the large sizes section for the past 26 years or so, and I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary.


Not to mention that I'm about 80 pounds lighter now than I was ten years ago, and there's no way that stuff just melted off by itself.


So, yeah, I've noticed.


I have so many good comebacks for the question, but I always feel too bad to use them. The doctor always seems so happy, like he's solved some great mystery for me, as if now that I know that all of my problems can be solved by losing weight, my life will become perfect. What I'd like to do is stare at him with a shocked face and say, "No! Really? I had no idea I was overweight. What do you think could've caused this?" 


Couldn't pull it off with a straight face.


I know this, because I've almost done it about ten times, but every time I'm in there and I even think about it, I start smiling, and once that happens, the giggles aren't far behind.


I think that maybe this time I need a printout. Just a sheet that says, "Yes, I know I'm overweight, and that all of the evil in the world is caused by my inability to put down the Twinkies. I'm working on it. Thank you for your concern." Maybe that would help. I could just hand it over at the beginning of my appointment, and then he'd say, "Oh, so you know that your [insert health condition of your choice here--preferably a funny one] was caused by your mega-super-morbid-even-more-mega obeseness? Alright. Have you tried working on it?" Then I could just point to the second sentence and say, "Have you tried working on your reading? Because the answer is right there."


I just played that out in my head. It was hilarious. I put the word "gonorrhea" in there, because it's fun to say. Hemorrhoids was a close second, but it looks funnier than it sounds so gonorrhea won.


Okay, I don't think I can do it, but at least now I have a dream. A dream of, one day, finding a doctor that doesn't think he or she is the first to inform me of my excess flab. If that ever happens, I think I will probably go into shock. Primarily because of the obeseness, but also from having a doctor that doesn't think I'm an idiot.


Mondays are fun.