It's getting to be time for something I always know I'm going to have to do, but it often seems like I have to do it every stinking year, and although I dread it I know that the alternative is far worse than the mission: Buying new underpants.

I can always tell when the underpants I have are going south (hahaha) because the elastic starts to go. Mind you, I buy really cheap underpants because I know that in a year or so, I'm going to get irritated with them and throw them all out and start over again.

Is that weird? I don't really have an underwear buying table to tell me when they've passed the peak of comfort and meandered into the realm of unsalvageable.

The first sign is that I start getting wedgies all of the time. That stage has already come and gone (well, not gone, but I've gotten used to it). I am pretty much prying my underpants out of my butt every fifteen minutes. It's annoying, but not as annoying as the second stage.

The second stage is the delightful time when the material is so stretched out (I buy my underpants a little on the large side, as I enjoy the extra, extra coverage) that there are left-over underpants parts that aren't covering anything; rather, they're bunching up in wads under my pants, making it look like I have horrendous meandering cellulite patches.

Not a good part.

I'll know, though, that it's time to say goodbye when I reach the end stage. This is the stage we are rapidly approaching. The final countdown, if you will. The time when my underpants start unraveling around the outside and the thin elastic waistband separates from the body of the underpants, much like a rocket losing parts as it shoots into the sky.

Less magical than that, but there you go.

I am allergic to elastic, so I have to choose underpants with a minimum of areas where the elastic is uncovered. I can usually avoid it everywhere but the waist, where I have learned to tolerate the itchy rashyness that the elastic brings.

Also, I am cheap and non-elastic underwear is way too pricey for something in which I am going to contain my undercarriage. Seriously.

So I'm guessing we might make it to Thanksgiving, but I doubt if they'll hold much longer. I noticed some pretty severe lumpy action yesterday, and the elastic has already started to separate on a couple of pairs.

Maybe this is normal. Or maybe it's a conspiracy by underwear manufacturers to force me to go underwear shopping every year. I don't know, but it's a big pain in my butt.

Darn you, Fruit of the Loom.