I made some quinoa for dinner last night, and the following is a detailed account of my saga, no holds barred. Please avert your eyes if you are faint of heart, because it is truly terrifying.

In my quest to find more protein-containing foods for my carb-loving household, I have tried a lot of things: Greek yogurt, soy-based fake meats, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, and more cheese.

Did I say cheese? Because that stuff is a winner.

Anyhow, so many people have recommended quinoa that I was pretty excited to try it. High protein and, I quote (someone who is a dirty liar), "As easy to make as rice."

Malarkey, I say. Ma. Larkey.

Last weekend, I finally pinpointed my recipe for Parmesan Quinoa and purchased a bag of the finest organic quinoa at my grocery store, because I figured if I'm going to buy something like that, I should for sure go organic. You know, pesticides and stuff.

So I got things all ready, grated up some stinky stinky Parmesan and prepared all of the ingredients for the dish. I embarked upon the first step, which seemed simple enough: Rinse the quinoa under running water until the water runs clear, using a fine mesh sieve.

Well, I don't have a fine mesh sieve. I have a big plastic colander with 1/4" holes all over it. So I decided I could use my hand and a cup, and rinse little bits of it at a time.

That was not the case.

Quinoa is like birdseed, and it's super light and floaty. I lost the first quarter cup immediately and then proceeded to drop bits of it all over the floor in my panic. Then, I turned on the sprayer to rinse out the sink, shot myself in the face and then hosed down the front of my shirt.

No problem, I thought, I'll just go ahead and try again, but this time I'll use the strainer spoon I use for frying. It's small, but it's kind of like mesh.

Also didn't work. I thought I was being successful until I looked down and realized that the quinoa was so tiny it was seeping out the sides where the cup and the spoon met. It is, like, microscopic and also incredibly sneaky.

At this point, there was quinoa caked all over the inside of the sink, quinoa trails running down the front of my cupboards, and quinoa on my face where some had bounced off the sink and hit me when I first turned on the sprayer.

And I still only had about 1/8th of the clean quinoa I needed for my recipe.

Seriously, people, why would anyone have ever made this in the old days? People in olden times didn't have fancy fine mesh sieves. I bet the first person who ever made it said, "Hahahaha....I'm going to tell everyone how great this stuff is so they can have little dried bits of birdseed stuck to their cabinets, too! That'll show them!" And then he rubbed his hands together, threw his head back and laughed.

And I'm pretty sure some of my friends did the same thing right after recommending it.

Anyway, after wasting about a cup of quinoa, I ended up with enough for my recipe and finished it. The sad part is, it's actually pretty awesome.

Crap.

I think I need a fine mesh sieve.