So we're having birthday lunch today for a couple of people with whom I work. They bring around the sign-up list, and what do I pick? Something easy? Something cheap?

Naw. I pick what is practically the only dessert I haven't made before, and one that costs more than twice what any similar dessert costs to make: Key Lime Pie.

And I don't even really know if I like it that much, because I've never actually had a piece.

Granted, I have tasted the filling, and it's pretty good, but it's also in a graham cracker crust, which I've never made before because I just don't really like it. I like plain pie crust. I don't like overly sugary stuff, so, yeah, this should be interesting.

Why on Earth I decided to pick a dessert made from a fruit that's not even available where I live (yep, that's right...there are no key limes around), that also involves a bunch of sweetened condensed milk (which is delicious but also super expensive) is beyond me. I think I may have lost my mind. Briefly.

So, anyway, I came home from work last night and made a couple of these. Mostly because making two of something like this is easier than making one, and I figured if it was really good, I could give one to my family, and if it's really bad, I can just hang my head in shame and die. Right there. On the floor.

Because that's really what will happen.

I have a lot of self-worth tied up in my baking, which is ridiculous, especially when one considers that I live in a very high altitude place, where a lot of people have trouble getting baked goods to behave.

But there you have it. So, here is a picture of my lovely pies. Which are actually just lime pies, because there was no way I could get any key limes without going out of town to do so, and that just wasn't going to happen. Keep your fingers crossed that they don't suck.

Oh my goodness I may die. Or I may just eat too much pie and then have a massive sugar overload and then die. Because yeah. 

I suppose that I shouldn't want to be normal. I mean, I grew up in the 80s, and we were all told how special and unique we are, every day, for hours and hours.

Except I don't think that's true. I also don't think it's good.

I would rather just be normal, like the people on TV. They don't worry about everything all the time, and they resolve all of their difficulties, or at least sweep them under the rug, in like 30 minutes. At the most, it takes an hour, but that only happens at the beginning or ending of the season, or when there's a special.

So, come on, life. Hand me some thirty minute problems, like misplacing my mother-in-law's cookie jar or trying to get into a movie and having to wait in line.

Because, seriously, I don't want to be special and unique. It's not okay to just be me, I want to be like the TV people. They're always laughing and having an awesome time, and even when they do have to go to work, it's only for like two minutes, and then they're back to having shenanigans at home with their friends.

I do think that much friend time might be a little exhausting for me, and I guess I don't see people on TV having too much alone quiet time, which is my favorite.

Maybe I shouldn't be looking for life direction from sitcoms. Maybe that's a bad thing.

Argh.

Maybe I shouldn't stay up so late and then maybe I wouldn't wake up in a horrible mood, wanting to slap the crap out of everything I see.

Poo. It's my own fault.

Maybe I have already learned this life lesson like fifty times.

Yeah. Probably. Oh, well.

So I'm having this moral dilemma, and it's really making me crazy: What do I do about people who aren't nice to my friends and/or family? Do I continue to be nice and polite to them, as though nothing had happened? Do I add some coldness in, so that they know that I know that they were being turds? Or do I completely shun them and act the way I want to act?

I know I'll probably stick with the first option, but I hate it.

Right now, I have no less than five friends who have other friends who are treating them like crap. These friends are also my friends. It's like a big old middle school, except now we're all adults and if I should happen to punch one of them in the face, I'll probably go to jail. I'll also probably do some serious damage and then feel horrible about it, which would cause me a new dilemma while not solving this one at all. So I guess I won't do that.

I also feel like I shouldn't shun people, because then it might come back onto the person the other people were originally mean to, and it's their fight, not mine. So, none of my business.

But still, it makes me mad. And then the person who's being a poo comes and talks to me as if he or she hadn't done anything at all.

But I know the evil that is lurking inside.

Sort of like The Shadow, except that this isn't a radio show. Which is good because that thing got kind of spooky sometimes. Plus, they pronounce the word "robot" funny. Like row-butt, with the accent on the "row." Say it. It's hilarious.

Anyway, moral dilemma. No answer that I like, but I guess I'll just stay out of it and not participate and let people fight their own battles. It really is none of my business, after all.

Except that everything is my business. So there. Because I say it is, and I love my friends. So I'll be nice and polite and whatnot, but inside? Mwahahaha…inside, I'll be wishing that those people get horrible farts during church. Loud ones that cause humiliation. Or that they'll have boogers hanging out of their noses during an important business meeting, and no one will tell them.

But they'll all laugh about it, and then my vengeance will be complete. Except that I can't really do anything like those things. I would if I could, though. That would be fantastic.

Every year, it seems like summer arrives so much more quickly than I would like. I think maybe it's because I really dislike heat. And sun. And all of those other things that all the normal people out there seem to enjoy so much.

Last year, I got sick at the beginning of the summer, and while I can remember specific events if I try really hard, I don't remember a whole lot of anything about the summer except all of the flooding rain stuff that happened in the early autumn.

This year, I have read weather reports that indicate that we might be in for a rainy summer because of El Niño, except that half of the time they spell it El Nino. Which is wrong and it makes my brain hurt. Then, of course, my mind goes to this, and I'm completely useless from there on out:

http://blog.chron.com/sciguy/files/legacy/archives/thenino.jpg

Anyway, yeah. I hope it is a nice, cool summer, because I seem to remember being forced to wear short shorts around the house for months last year, and nobody wants that. There are children in my neighborhood, for crying out loud. So I hope for my sake, my husband's sake, and for the sake of the children that the temperature doesn't get into the 90s again. Just, ever.

Or, really, even the 80s. I prefer the 60s, if possible. Overcast is also a plus because I am just too pale for this much sun.

Why do I live in NM?

Oh, yeah. Because this:

THAT'S why I live in NM. Well, that and it's really pretty here and the snow that we do get melts right away and doesn't turn into big sheets of ice and we don't get tornadoes or earthquakes (not noticeable ones, anyway) and it's fun to hear Spanish and I love Mariachis (I realize that sounds like a stereotype, but you really do get to hear Mariachis when you go to New Mexican restaurants a lot of the time and they are awesome) and also we have the best sunsets ever. And balloon fiesta. And listening to scientists try to have a regular conversation is adorable.

I guess there are pluses. Mostly chile. Red, green, Christmas, you know, whatever.

So, yeah. Summer. Blerg. I may be extending my crankiness until October, just so you know.

It has finally happened. I have heard the song, "Let It Go." I knew the day would come, I just thought I could hold off a little longer.

Alas, a six-year-old showed up at her lesson this week with the music in hand, and said, "Umm…so…my Mom found this online…it looks pretty good…can we sing it?"

Yep. There is no turning down a situation that is THAT cute.

So I told her I hadn't heard it before, but I wanted to look it over before we sang it, just to get familiar with the tune. And then I looked through the diabolical being that is the Disney song (which I had expected, because most of the popular Disney tunes from the last 20 years or so are exactly the same). This thing goes from the F below Middle C up to E (or thereabouts…I've already forgotten). And it hangs there. What? That's crazy talk. No six-year-old should ever sing a song that has a range like that. Just no.

And yet, she does. Every day. Even without me. So, even though it was completely inappropriate for her, we sang it, just sort of tunelessly skipping over the parts where the notes were way too low, and then she pretty much let it rip on the high stuff, where it's comfortable.

There were parts where she threw back her head and closed her eyes and got all into it, so I had to pretend like I didn't see her because she's super shy and would've been mortified. She would then remember where she was and glance over to see if I had seen her and then, assured that I was paying absolutely no attention to anything but the piano and the sheet music, she'd get right back into it again.

So, no, we probably won't spend a lot of time on it in class, and no, it's not a good learning piece for…well…anyone, to be honest. All things considered, though, I'm pretty glad I got the full-on little kid experience of it.

Some days, my job is awesome.

I kind of hate Mother's Day.

I don't hate the part about buying my mom a present or making her a nice dinner or dessert or something like that, or doing something special for her in general. I think that part's great. She's had to put up with enough crap from me during my lifetime to deserve an extra day of happy goodness every year. Same goes for Father's Day. I'm down with celebrating my awesome parents.

However, and here's the part that gets tricky for me, I don't have children. I still get told to have a Happy Mother's Day everywhere I go, and/or I get referred to as, "Mom." At that point, it's either smile and nod, which is what I do, or explain that I am not anybody's Mom.

I realize people are trying to be nice, but it's a really complicated issue for us and, try as I might, I just can't ignore and let it go. 

I tried all day to hear it as a greeting, like, "Good morning" or, "Enjoy your day!" It didn't work. I tried thinking of other things so I wouldn't hear it. That didn't work, either.

It's something that bothers me because maybe my life isn't something that has neat little solutions that fit into neat little boxes. And I do so love neat little solutions.

It also makes me think of the torture it must be for all the women who truly want a baby and have tried everything and still don't have one. That must be just awful. It makes me think of how incredibly small my family is, which also makes me sad because my family is the bee's knees.

This isn't a subject that I talk about, because I really don't feel like my choices are anyone's business but my own, but it still drives me nuts every year. Not just for me, but for all the women I know who either aren't Moms and want to be, so much that it hurts, or the moms who aren't moms and don't want to be who also get vilified for their choice on many more days than just the one set aside for Mothers.

Therefore, as I said, it's kind of complicated and I kind of hate it. I love to celebrate my Mom, but my child-free status is something that complicates things and makes it a whole day of conversations in my head about all sorts of things that I don't want to think about. Not because I am uncomfortable with my choices, but because it's not a black and white issue. There is no right way or wrong way. There is only doing the best one can with what one has to work with, and for some people that means having ten kids, and for some people that means being one of those old ladies with a bunch of cat "babies."

Oh, Lordy.

At any rate, Happy Mother's Day to those of you out there with babies. I know it isn't always an easy decision and/or process. You're awesome, and I'm so happy that you're doing what you're doing. Those little people may be terrifying, but they are really important.

And Happy Day After Mother's Day to the rest of us. No kids? Wine is a perfectly acceptable breakfast drink, as long as you don't have have to drive to work (just so you know, if it's in a coffee mug, people will assume it's coffee).

Every morning, when I'm reading emails and playing Criminal Case on Facebook (don't judge…it's awesome) while I'm having my coffee, I take a look at the ads lining either side of my page. I realize they see what kinds of activities you do and what kinds of friends you have, and that's how they target people with the right kinds of ads. However, I keep getting tons of ads for dating services.

It's weird. I get ads for christianmingle.com, and even ads for those hookup-type dating services for gay men.

Not that I judge people who use those; I just don't happen to be looking to hook up with guys, regardless of their orientation, religious or sexual.

Anyway, getting past the weirdness of their choice, they put up pictures of these guys who are supposedly looking to date ladies (or guys…they might be a tad disappointed) and you're supposed to click on the one you think is the cutest.

First of all, not one of them is even remotely cute. Or my type. Second of all, some of them are downright old. Like, my dad's age. Or way too young, like early 20s. Like, maybe too young to drink.

Gross.

Anyway, there's one ad that I get most of the time, and I have named the three guys that pop up. There's Crystal Light, because he has that super blondey stripe in his hair and he looks like he works out a lot; Guy Fieri, because he…well…he looks like an older, thinner Guy Fieri; and finally there's Pablo. I named him Pablo because that's just what popped into my head when I saw his picture. He's the only one in the pictures that doesn't look like a d-bag; however, he also looks like he's about 20 and needs someone to tell him that he's way to young to be looking for a date on the internet. He should probably just go meet girls at work or at school, like normal people.

Why on earth would kids that young be worried about meeting their soulmate? Seriously? You have some time, guys. Worry about getting a job and a car and an education and maybe even about being a good person first.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that Pablo isn't in the ad anymore. And it makes me wonder if he just got fired from the ad agency, or if he really was on their site and he found somebody. And then I wonder why I think about things like this at all, because it looks really ridiculous when I write it all out on a page.

Adios, Pablo. You will be missed. Mostly because they replaced you with a guy who looks like he might've looked like George Clooney if he would've taken better care of his skin and not grown that ridiculous soul patch.

Why can we not go to a three-day weekend every weekend?

I would vote for that.

It's not like I'm actually going to get any work done this morning, so there's a half-day that goes into the toilet. Also, I don't usually do it because it's the busiest work day of the week for me, but a lot of people only get a half-day of work squeezed into Friday because their brains have already gone home.

There, boss man. There's your extra day.

Of course, I probably feel more inclined towards this particular plan because I only slept for about an hour last night, but you never can tell. I may also go completely bonkers this morning at work, but then again, I was probably going to do that anyway. So, yeah.

Three-day weekend. I think the people running for president next time should campaign with that as their slogans. All of them. I would vote for all of them.

Please, guys. Let's do this. We could all use an extra day for sleeping in.

Especially me, especially today.

Mmmm. Doughnuts. I would like to add that to this plan. Doughnuts at work on the first day back after the three-day weekend. And a blanket/pillow fort under my desk for naps. Also, one of those Slush Puppy dispensers, but with daiquiri mix instead of just sugary syrup (not margaritas…I prefer rum to tequila for workday drinking). 

I would be so much more efficient with those things.

And craft time.

Wait, I think I just turned my office into a preschool for adults. Now all we need are lessons in sharing and those little cartons of milk.

And I am not very good at sharing, so that might be a sticking point. Ugh. But, still, three-day weekends, guys. Let's do this.

This is my imitation of my Facebook newsfeed this morning:

Person A:  Cheerios are so great! I love them!
Person B:  Um, Cheerios suck. Anyone who likes them is evil.
Person A:  You're an evil puppy killer for not liking them.
Person B:  I hate you.
Person A:  I hate you more.
Person C:  Oh my gosh, remember that time when we ate Cheerios?

Yeah. Guess who's Person C, trying to change topic. I realize I don't have to fix all of the fights, but that's just my nature.

Apparently, we've all forgotten that it's okay for people to have different opinions. In fact, I think there are very few wrong or right answers, and most things can be on a spectrum rather than being absolutely one way or another.

Unless it's my opinion. Then it's fact.

Anyway, there were about fifty of these on there, on topics ranging from ObamaCare to drunk driving. For reals, people, calm down. One can very rarely be right about everything, and it just won't do to crap all over other people for having a different perspective. Civil arguments are one thing, but when people who are friends start using the word, "evil" at one another when discussing trivialities such as who's the best football player, we may have a wee problem.

And, seriously, Cheerios are delicious, but nowhere near the kind of delicious that you get from a box of Cap'n Crunch or the kind of magnificence contained within the confines of a box of Life Cereal or even (dare I say it?) Cinnamon Life. So calm down about that, too.

Geez. Sometimes I feel like you people just want to fight about everything. Maybe if we spent a little longer in Kindergarten learning to share and be nice and about our rights and responsibilities, we'd all be a little better about respecting others' opinions.

Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm a little wishy-washy about most things. 

from www.target.com

See how happy they are? It's the Cinnamon Life, man. Now, shut up, eat your cereal, and go to work. And I don't want to hear any more of this bickering, or I'm going to lay the smack down.