We did it! We bought a big bed!

I'm pretty excited. I know it won't arrive for another week and a half, but I don't even care, because we actually took the plunge and made the big purchase.

I'm so proud of us.

Also, I'm really excited about having 500 square miles of bed all to my very own self. This is the approximate size of my side of our new KING-SIZE bed. I bet you didn't know about that. It's true, though.

Or maybe it just feels like it. I'm not really good with spatial reasoning.

At any rate, it's kind of sad because we had to get new sheets and blankets and stuff, and I just made a new bedspread for our bed for which I will now have to find another use. And it was really pretty. Also, it took me six months to make and that was kind of a waste of time now. 

Ermahgersh so sad.

But, still. BIG BED!!!!!!!!

I feel like we should have a big bed party where we celebrate having a big bed, but I think that might be kind of lame. Everyone else already has a big bed; we've just been avoiding it because beds are expensive and also our room is quite small. 

Doesn't matter. Big. Bed.

That is all. I'm just really, really, really, really, really excited. 

from imgarcade.com

We are biting the bullet and buying a new bed. Now, if you know us, you'll know that we decide on big purchases and then we spend ages and ages and ages living with the idea, and then we finally make the leap.

I feel like we're at the point to make the leap, and I'm so flipping excited, I can't stand it.

As two larger-sized people, we've been sharing a queen-sized bed for our whole marriage. It's okay, but we are not cuddlers, so there is no touching and there has to be a strict line down the middle of the bed so no one encroaches on the other person's side. The queen size is not optimum for our standards. I am having trouble staying on my side, and it wakes me up in the middle of the night, because I'm nervous about smacking him or kicking his bad leg.

In a king-sized bed, we won't have that issue. We won't have any issues. Life will be perfect.

I can only imagine the vast amount of space I will have. I will also have a longer pillow, which will enable me to...well...have a longer pillow. I don't know. All I can say is that I am so excited to have a big old bed, I can't even deal.

I just can't.

Also, it will be awesome to have a bed where I don't have to worry if I'm going to roll over and move too much and wake him up. I will be able to jump on the bed with a glass of wine and he won't feel a thing.

I've seen the commercials. It's totally true.

At any rate, we're getting really close and I don't know if I can stand the excitement. It's pretty awesome.

I do realize that this is weeks down the road. Maybe months. Still excited.

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep. That kind of excited. I'm going to be delightful at work today.

So my allergies have been acting up so much over the last few days that I now have two cloggy ears. This would be less of a problem if I didn't have a big old singing job tomorrow.

Nice timing, ears.

Last night at rehearsal, I was having a little trouble hearing stuff, just because I feel a little like my head is wrapped in cotton, but it wasn't too bad until the deluge came.

Deluge? What? This is New Mexico.

It also didn't help matters that about ten minutes before the rain started, a lizard came in under the door and was crawling around the sanctuary. At that point, I completely stopped concentrating on the music and began looking around to see where the lizard went because I was worried someone would step on him.

I really hope that didn't happen, because I lost sight of him and never saw him again.

At any rate, about ten minutes later, it started pouring rain. Not just little sprinkles which, in NM, counts as real rain and causes everyone on the road to start driving like a 90-year-old lady with a bad case of heavy brake foot. Nope, it was like God was dumping buckets of water directly onto the porch area of the church where we rehearse, causing a scary little pre-flood situation right outside the glass doors where the lizard had squeezed his way into the church.

All I could think at that point was that if the lizard got in, surely water could start seeping in and we were going to have massive freakout time.

Also, I was wearing suede loafers and I was really mad to have to get them wet.

In addition, the rain pounding on the roof made it so I really couldn't hear at all. I thought it was going to be bad but I think since we were all in the same boat, no one noticed.

It poured for about an hour, and then it stopped and all of the rain dried out in about 15 minutes, which is how we know that we are, indeed, in a desert.

I should point out that if I was paying attention, I wouldn't have had these issues. This merely came about because I took a decongestant yesterday, which made me notice even more stuff than usual and also made me have a lot of thought time.

A lot. 

It's like talk radio going on in my head.

I think maybe I shouldn't take decongestants unless it's absolutely necessary. Cloggy ears and singing, though. It's probably necessary. Guess I'll be having some more thought time today. Ugh.

I wonder what happened to that lizard?

This is an open letter to a very special Mom:

Dear Ma'am,

Thank you ever so much for brightening up our office and our lives by bringing in your sick child. We really appreciate the upgrade in our smell situation; sterility doesn't quite measure up to the nasal delight brought about by a ton of vomit ground into carpet.

In addition, I would like to also express our gratitude for the extra vomit that you encouraged your offspring to provide to our garbage can, without informing us, instead of wasting that delicious scent by taking him to the bathroom and having him flush it down the toilet.

Rarely do we see Mothers that take such care not to over-parent their children; rather, you encouraged him to take care of it on his own, as any reasonable four-year-old should. I hope that you found our magazine selection entertaining. I know that I certainly appreciated the opportunity to change and sanitize garbage cans and to try to Lysol the puke smell out of the towels with which the floor was scrubbed.

Finally, I want to give you our most sincere apologies for expecting your help in cleaning up the vomit, or even expecting you to treat our employees with common courtesy. Our staff is, obviously, full of peons who should be treated as such and you were completely correct to not thank, apologize to, or otherwise show manners or grace to our administrative personnel. They, indeed, do not have any feelings.

On a personal note, I was feeling nauseous already this morning, as a result of a day-long migraine yesterday and very little sleep last night, and I want to tell you how pleased I am, as this pushed me over the edge, and I really didn't need that breakfast I ate, anyway. I do appreciate your help in that arena.

Have a delightful day...I know no one in here will forget your visit anytime soon.

Your New Best Pal for Life,

That Person At The Front Desk Whose Name Really Doesn't Matter Anyway

Is it wrong to expect a pair of shoes to last forever?

I don't think so.

At any rate, they do not and I am mourning the loss of one of my favorite pairs this morning. It's been a rough summer for shoes in my house; namely, my favorite black summer flats that got soaked in dog pee and my sandals which died an horrific death when I caught the front on the pavement and ripped the top part from the bottom part. Not good.

Yesterday, however, I had a pair die from old age and it was very sad.

We've been through so much together.  Rehearsals, work, more rehearsals, teaching, pretty much anytime I was too lazy to put on socks but flip-flops weren't an option. I was at a rehearsal last night and we took a break and I crossed my leg over my other leg and looked down and saw the tragicness...the sole of the shoe had completely separated from the upper part.

I realize that four years is a long time to have a pair of shoes, and I also realize that for the last year or so the soles have been so thin that my feet hurt all of the time when I wear them, and I can actually feel the bumpiness of the pavement through the millimeter or so of remaining sole.

I don't care. They go with so many outfits and they don't make my feet hot.

I am going to give them a decent burial today, and I have been looking online (unsuccessfully) for a replacement. 

Sigh. 

This is a sad day.

Rest in peace, shiny black peep-toe flats. You done good.

from etsy.com

It seems to me like the world is largely ignoring one very important topic: The fact that I have an itchy spot in the middle of my back that I can't scratch properly.

If you think that this isn't a big deal, you're wrong.

How can I possibly be expected to do things like work and dishes and singing when I obviously have a major back itch problem with which I have had to contend for a good five minutes?

Goodness. What do you people think I am, a machine?

Yet the news hasn't mentioned it, not even once, and none of my friends or family members has called to see if I'm okay.

Which I am, thank you. I'm coping as well as possible, under the EXTREMELY ANNOYING circumstances.

Sigh.

At any rate, here's a picture which I'm hoping will distract me enough to enable me to push on through the pain.

Well, it's not really pain. Just itchy. Really, really itchy.

from imgur.com

Yeah, I googled "celebrities without teeth and eyebrows." Do yourself a favor and try it. It's delightful and ever so distracting.

Especially when your back is itchy.

Today, I would like to discuss a song that keeps getting played on my Pandora station, regardless of several thumbs-down clickings: Lana Del Rey's delightful ballad, "Young and Beautiful," which, if anyone hasn't heard it, is a delightful piece with all of the wisdom and pathos expected from an 18-year-old.

Except that I think she's almost 30.

At any rate, I'm glad we have these people for the young kids. They need to know all of the really true things; for instance, the fact that the month of July is, in fact, forever. Also, when one prays to God, it's usually a good idea to ask if one can bring her man with her to heaven because his body makes her want to party. This is a really important consideration when deciding on a heaven posse.

Oh, and also the fact that the word "body" does, indeed, rhyme with the word "party." Except that it kind of sounds like she's saying "potty."

Which makes me laugh.

At any rate, thank you, Lana Del Rey, for reminding us that you're not just another pretty face. No. You have at least 65 I.Q. points and you're going to show off those mo-fos in as many songs as you possibly can before you're no longer young and beautiful.

Wait. Why were the city lights on during the crazy days? Or were they?

It's a question for the ages.

Also, why is she so bored the whole time that she's forced to sing out of her nose? It sounds painful.

I feel that this song leaves me with more questions than answers, but Pandora must have a reason for continuing to play it on my station. So I will continue my quest for answers.

I need to know why people buy albums from these people who just make me want to break my iPod and run away to a place where they play nothing but Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. WHY?

I have decided on a name for this semester's ceramics class: Let's Over-Share. Seriously. It's full of people who sit at a table and try to one-up each other for THE WHOLE CLASS. Two and a half hours of one-upmanship.

I would be impressed at their staying power if I wasn't so irritated.

Last night, they covered a cornucopia of topics, ranging from Pokémon to spousal abuse. Seriously. Someone actually told an abuse story, which was then followed by another woman, starting a sentence with, "Well, that was bad, but you should hear what my ex did to me right before he ran off with my sister."

Little tip for everyone: No one wants to hear private business in a classroom setting. It's way too personal, makes everyone feel uncomfortable, and just makes the attention-seeking incredibly obvious. Before making a statement, maybe try thinking about a couple of things; first, whether what's about to pop out into the open is relevant to the conversation, and also, whether stating it will accomplish anything besides making the lady in the corner (yup, that's me) cringe.

I don't want to hear about someone's pitbull attack and then have another guy tell about how pitbulls are in pain because of their head shape so they have to attack and then hear another pitbull attack story. The pitbull attack story sandwich is too much for my brain.

At any rate, it's not as bad as the class with the loud Southern lady who called everyone Sugar, who sat next to the 18-year-old with the massive smoker's hack who never, ever covered her mouth and talked incessantly about how to beat the system and fraudulently collect more food stamps. If I survived that, I can survive anything.

Still, though. UGH. 

Apparently, it's September.

Don't ask me how it happened, as I was just sitting here, minding my own business, feeling temperatures that were hotter than August's temperatures have any right to be, and then, all of a sudden, BAM!

September.

And it's way hotter than September has any right to be, either. I am pretty sure somebody said this was going to be a wet, cool summer. That person is a filthy liar and I am calling him or her out, right now, because this was the summer I regretted having a leather couch and I took to wearing tank tops and short shorts all day when no one else was around.

If you know my aversion to having my business all out in the open air, you'll realize what a big deal that was.

At any rate, I'm so glad it's September. I hate summer.

Seriously, though, the light feels all autumnal and whatnot, and the breeze feels all autumnal and whatnot, and the temperature feels...

...like fricking July. Seriously. I am way too chubby for this.

Oh, and we started mega-diet this morning.

Maybe that accounts for some of this. I don't know.

I just want cold. Is that too much to ask for? I've being buying sweaters in the hopes that I will actually need them this year, but I'm starting to have my doubts. Can we just get a little 60-degree action maybe? Just a bit? That's not asking too much, is it?

85-degrees today and tomorrow. I live in the mountains. This is ridiculous. I may start stalking the weather guy and forcing him to tell me it's going to be 45, even though I know it's a lie, just so I can fool myself a little.

I realize I have air conditioning in my car and my bedroom. That is not the point. I want snow, guys. Snow.

Oh, well. That is all for today, I guess.