So I have to write a little about Nancy Drew books, because I've been reading them for the last couple of months. I have around 50 of them and I can read one in a couple of nights, if it doesn't make me fall asleep immediately, which it usually does, so I've gone through almost all of them and I've discovered a few things.

First of all, they are a great book to read right before going to sleep. They are easy and soothing and pleasant. Always pleasant. And nothing exciting enough to keep me turning the pages is contained therein, so it's not going to keep me up any longer than I want it to. There are also frequent references to slacks and pantsuits, and that makes me giggle.

Secondly, the illustrations are just a lie. Those cover illustrations were so scary that when I was a kid, I couldn't actually read the Nancy Drew books, because I was too scared of all of that spookiness. They are just not spooky. At all. Not even a little. I wasted all of that time being freaked out for nothing.

Finally, I want to know if anyone ever did a CT scan on Nancy (or Ned or George or even Bess, for that matter). She is still eighteen years old, so all this has happened in less than a year, and I swear that she has been hit in the head or drugged with some mystery cocktail that is probably ether and/or roofies at least once in each book. That's a lot of head trauma and drugs. Also, Carson Drew might want to think about moving to a safer neighborhood, because their house gets broken into pretty much every time Nancy's on a case. That sounds a little ghetto for such an uptight family. I think it's time to look into a safer neighborhood, guys.

Really, all I can think about at this point is that if Nancy was, indeed, real, she'd be old right now, probably with nerve damage and head trauma from all of the injuries she sustained working on these cases, and no money, because she totally did it all for fun instead of going to college, and Ned Nickerson must've divorced her because he got tired of being dragged into all of her shenanigans and there's no way he could afford to support that expensive habit, being a camp counselor and whatnot.

I'm guessing that, if Nancy was real and still alive, she'd be a very sad old lady in constant pain, living in some kind of state-run home because she can't take care of herself since her brain could not possibly function properly after all of that. And that is terribly sad.

Sorry, Nancy Drew. That's just how my brain works.