Since I’ll be turning 40 in less than a month, I am obviously in need of some serious advice, because my ads have all been for articles, products, exercises, and clothing for women over 40. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

I have also been seeing a suspicious number of pieces with titles such as, “10 articles women over 40 should NEVER wear!” (yes, with the caps and exclamation point), which leads me to believe I may need to throw out all of my sandals and jeans and invest in some orthopedic shoes, a walker, and some sweet polyester slacks in a variety of jewel tones.

I should probably just invest in a ton of adult diapers, too, as they keep telling me that loss of bladder control is inevitable at this point, and I should probably get some Ben-Gay for the crippling arthritis that is about to descend upon my body.

Seriously, guys. It’s just a birthday. If I want to wear flip flops and jeans with holes in them, I’m going to do so. Slacks are weird and uncomfortable and make too much noise. Also, anyone who tells me to throw out my glitter nail polish is going to get my foot up their behind.

I am still a fairy princess. I’m just an old fairy princess.

So, to all the other ladies out there who aren’t ready for the nursing home and walker yet, you keep wearing your favorite things. Ignore those ads. You don’t have to be an old lady and do old lady things just because you’re not 20 anymore.

Except Murder, She Wrote. You have to watch it. J.B. Fletcher is glorious.