Back from vacation! 

It was really wonderful. No flight delays, no baggage lost, no money missing, and nothing left behind. It all went almost too smoothly, which is unusual for us. We even slept well and didn't get sick.

Great time, but I'm so glad to be back in the land of dry.

Did I mention heat plus humidity equals hell? Because it does. I have no idea how people survive in that swampy crap, but I would just die. I would rather it be hotter, but drier, because that Florida business is ridiculous.

We walked about a billion miles a day, so I only ended up gaining about four pounds. That is some kind of miracle for me, because it's usually eight or more per week, and we were gone ten days, so I was scared. I think the not eating meat thing helped, though, because although it seems like Disney has options for vegetarians, they really don't have a lot for me. Veggie burgers out the ears, and some salads, but those had no protein, so not a great option. Would've killed for some eggs or peanut butter but no such luck.

They did, however, have chocolate croissants for breakfast, so I was pretty set there. It was amazing.

We got to ride lots of rides, go swimming, do a little shopping (not too much, though, because holy crap...pricey), and see a couple of movies. It was very relaxing and lovely. No wine or beer, though, at the Epcot food and wine thing, because everything was so expensive, and I just can't bring myself to pay $15 for a beer (imported, yes, but come on). People were paying like $8 for a Bud Light. Seriously. Just couldn't do it. I'll have wine at home.

So, yep, home now. In the cold, drizzly, rainy October that is just so much better than Florida's hot, sweaty, stickiness. Because ew.

Also, New Mexico skies and sunsets win. Hands down. No contest. So, there's that, too.

Yep, I'm still busy in my mind trying to match up people with their movie/TV counterparts. My dad's was pretty easy, but some of the others are giving me a harder time. So this morning, I'm going to go with a hybrid for my mom, since there are two people that stand out in my mind as her: she's a little bit Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances, and a little bit Rose from The Golden Girls.

Weird combo, yes, but that's my mom.

My mom is every bit as naïve as Rose. For reals. If you ae ever trying to sell something that may or may not be a piece of crap, go to my mom. She will buy one. However, here's where the Hyacinth kicks in, because she will (ever so nicely) hound you to your death when it breaks, until you fix it. 

She is also a ham and loves to be the center of attention, as does Hyacinth, and she calls my Dad to go do stuff every five minutes. My Dad is pretty much the epitome of Richard, except Richard never burps, so that's not an option for him.

With the sarcasm and general pessimism my sister and I bring to the table, and my dad's general stubborn hilariousness, my mom is totally Rose. She's got her own happy place up there in her mind and it's pretty hard to invade that personal space. Ain't nobody got time for that.

So my mom sort of floats around in her own little world, like Rose, but when it's time to get stuff done, she's all Hyacinth. So there you go. She's a hybrid. Like a Prius, but cuter and way more expensive.

I was thinking last night.

Shocking.

Anyhow, I was deciding what movie characters everyone would be if I had to pick. My dad was the easiest. He would definitely be Grandpa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Not the new one, the old one. 

Why? Because, number one, he would totally lie in a bed for years and years, eating cabbage soup and Dutch-ovening all the other old people just for fun, and then hop out of bed to go on an adventure. He pretty much does stuff like that all the time (not really on the bed part, but with all of that cabbage, I can only imagine the smell in their house...whoa).

I can also see my dad taking me somewhere where we would burp all over the place. We just do that. It's our family tradition. Plus, it's hilarious.

Finally, if I was in a contest where the guy was a poo at the end, my dad would've totally snuck us back into the fizzy drink room and we would've re-burped (et cetera) all over Mr. Wonka's ceiling fan. So, a little bit different from the movie, but still.

Have I mentioned that we burp and fart? Because we do. Frequently. My mom tried to teach us how to be ladies, but my dad was pretty much of the opinion that people gots to let that stuff out, especially our people.

It's in our DNA.

So that's my dad. I still have to think about the rest because it's pretty important that I get it as accurate as I can.  You know, for science and stuff.

The weather is really depressing right now. I mean, I get that some people might enjoy the warmth, but come on. It's October. Can I get a little sweater weather?

I've been checking The Weather Channel every five minutes, because obviously a major change is going to happen, and I don't want to miss it; however, for some reason that crazy thing is telling me it's going to be in the 70s all week next week.

For real? 70s? When I have a closet full of boots, sweaters, and other warm soft things waiting for me to wear them? That doesn't sound right. Plus, winter last year was pathetic. Pa. The. Tic. So I feel like we need double this year to make up for it.

I'm so sick of hot.

Ugh.

Just checked again. No change. Can't we do something about weather yet? Like, shoot cold air up into the sky so it gets the message? I don't know. I'm not a scientist. If I was, though, look out. I would invent all kinds of things to make it cold. Like air conditioners, but fancier and harder-working.

That is all.

So yesterday was just horrible. Just...yep, horrible.

I found out that my allergies are actually worse now than when I was originally tested (and at that time, my doc told me I was the most allergic adult he'd tested), and I have new ones, too. Including feathers, so that's great, considering I have a bird and I sleep on a feather pillow.

Well, not anymore I don't. Sleep on a feather pillow, I mean. The bird is staying put. He's mine.

Then, after all the loveliness of the allergy testing, I went and saw the jaw specialist. I've been needing to go for years, but I've put it off because...well...it's real, real expensive. No kidding. I am in the absolute wrong line of work, because holy cow.

Anyhoo, they confirmed that my jaw is, indeed, jacked up (to use the words of another doctor I saw about something related). Apparently, I am a big old deformed mess up in there. Plus, I'm allergic to or can't tolerate every medication they wanted to try to use to fix it; therefore, he actually recommended rectal ibuprofen. RECTAL. IBUPROFEN.

Yeah, can you see me taking my meds at work? Sorry, just one second, I need to take my ibuprofen. IN MY BUTT.

Thankfully, we're trying homeopathic anti-inflammatories first. Because gross. I'm just not a fan of putting pills in my hiney. I will also have a super sweet retainer to wear all the time, to ensure that the jackassery of my look is fully realized.

Maybe I need to grow a mullet and start wearing mom jeans all of the time, too. Acid washed ones. Just to really commit to the style.

I hate my new pillow.

I hate yesterday.

I need cake already, and it's only 6 am. Looks like today may be reeeeeaaaaal productive.

I made it!!

I survived a whole week without Zyrtec!!

Okay, that may not seem triumphant, since I'm also on Nasacort and Singulair and a steroid cream, for my eczema, but I can say now, for sure, that the Zyrtec is what makes the difference between me being a little rashy and itchy and me wanting to claw all of my skin off. One of those C.S. Lewis Narnia books (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) has something like that in it, when a kid puts on a gold bracelet, becomes a dragon, then has to peel all of his skin off.

Except I didn't get the fun peely part, nor did I get to be a dragon, so I lose.

This itching has been really rough. But I had to do it so I can get new allergy testing done today. Still, though. Whoa. For the first six days, I had no steroid cream, either, because it was my week off of that, and let me tell you, I thought I was going to die. I've been fortunate enough not to get measles or chickenpox, but I imagine it's something like that, only mine is longer lasting and those are much grosser looking. I really did think I would die, though.

Okay, maybe not really die, but it felt like tiny ants were crawling all over me all of the time, waking me up all night, etc. Gross. Also, the worst itchy places were places which should never, ever be scratched in public. So I'm having to go around the corner every two minutes to scratch at that horrible patch on the back of my thigh right under my butt, or the one on my chest underneath there where the bra wires are. It's super ladylike. I'm sure my mother would be ever so proud. 

But tomorrow morning, I get to throw my Zyrtec back in there and get some relief, thank goodness. Also, though, Saturday was my day to start the steroid cream back up, and that makes a huge difference, too.

Yep, you wanted to hear all about my eczema. It's fascinating, isn't it?

Too bad. That's all I've been thinking about for like six months, so I get to share.