Last week, I got yelled at over the phone by a guy because the thing he wanted to make an appointment for takes about half an hour longer than he wanted to be in our office. So he screamed into the phone at me for five minutes, expecting me to give up and say, "Sure, sir. We can totally do that procedure in 15 minutes. Totally." But I didn't.

Apparently, wherever he grew up, screaming at things makes them magically morph into exactly what you want them to be. Therefore, I will now start screaming at:

• Broiled fish, to make it taste like fried chicken, but still be low-calorie and healthy
• The beginning of my work-day, to make it start at 9, rather than 7 a.m.
• The middle of my work-day, to make it shorter and more pleasant, and to make me less sleepy
• The end of my work-day, to make it happen sooner, like 2 p.m., but still allow me to make the same amount of money
• My fat, to make it go away in all the right places and stick around where I still want it
• Dirty public restrooms, so I don't have to sit in other people's pee just to add mine to the pile

and, finally:

• Nasty customers, to make them turn into sparkly unicorns that make magic and candy and never, ever yell at me for things over which I have no control

Oh, and they prance. Did I mention the prancing? That needs to happen, too.

So, if you know me, expect me to start screaming a lot more than usual. Pretty much all of the time. Apparently, it works on certain things and I just need to figure out which things so that I, too, can have a magically delicious day.

Just like that guy.

He was as angry as Deep Roy in Eastbound and Down. Which I haven't actually seen, but look how mad Deep Roy is. Even with a Tootsie Pop.

from marshalmanlove.blogspot.com

That's pretty mad. I've tried screaming at this picture but no sparkling happens. In fact, I mostly just get creeped out from looking at it too much. Oh, well. There goes my theory.

I guess I'll have to try something else.