I realize I’m being a wee bit repetitive, but here’s the thing, guys: READ.

We went to Whole Foods on Saturday, because I apparently get amnesia whenever we run out of bell peppers, and I forget the hellish, swarming pit of angry humans that Whole Foods becomes on weekends. Or, really, always.

At any rate, we were just getting a few things, so I was lulled into a false sense of okayness.

We parked, which is an adventure in itself, because, I guess, if you’re fancy enough to stop at Whole Foods, you’re too damn fancy to corral your grocery cart. Yeah. That’s a whole post in itself.

We made it into the store. That’s also an adventure, because all of the drivers in the parking lot are blind and ninety-three, so their reflexes are kaput. Brakes? Naw. The pedestrians are way faster than the cars. Or, maybe not. Oops.

So we walk in, and right at the entrance, there’s a humongous, beautiful display of oranges. Those pretty ones with the pinkish insides. And many ginormous signs are posted. They all indicate that these lovely piles of citrus fruit are ORANGES. Seriously, there were fifteen signs.

In front of one of these massive signs was a tray of cut-up ORANGES. With yet another sign on display. Guess what was on the sign...go ahead...I’ll wait...

...yep. ORANGES - Free Samples.

That was the sign. Verbatim. Right by the damn tongs.

And, I kid you not, I was right behind a lady (waiting to buy some oranges, not to take a sample, because there was no way I was touching those disease-ridden tongs), when I heard her utter what I now feel may be the stupidest sentence ever uttered by a human being:

(And I have said some pretty stupid things myself, so you know it had to be pretty bad.)

“Baby, want some grapefruit?”

Yeah.

Then, again, “Look, baby! Look at the grapefruitses (that happened)! Mmmmmmmmm!”

Baby never did eat the grapefruitses.

And I died a little bit.

On the upside, nothing that happened after that even registered, so I must’ve been in shock.

Yeah.

Oh, happy Monday, by the way.