The following is a post about bodily functions. If you are easily offended by fart talk, you might want to skip reading this one.

I am working by myself in the office, and it smells like farts in here.

I am not farting.

Now, granted, I have been known to let one loose on occasion, but today I just haven't felt like it was necessary. Yet.

Every few minutes, though, I get a distinct whiff of pretty strong fart smell, and it's making me a little queasy because it's pretty burly. Like, cabbage, old socks and cow poop mixed into a nose-burning aroma that keeps getting sprayed in here.

BUT IT'S JUST ME TODAY.

Is there a fart ghost? Am I being haunted? If so, that's messed up. Worst kind of ghost I've ever imagined. 

Also, if it's fart smell from someone working in the other part of the office, they should patent that and use it as some kind of non-deadly (as far as I know) chemical weapon to subdue people who need to be, you know, subdued.

If it was me, I'd calm right down if I was threatened with this kind of nasal assault. It would really only take one time, and then I would totally behave forever.

I can't figure this out. How is it getting in here? Everyone else is so far away. Seriously.

There is one person whom I suspect is the culprit, but I can't figure out how she's spreading that holiday cheer up in my neighborhood. She hasn't even been near the door to my office. I really can't fathom her farts (which are truly impressive both in smell and longevity) traveling the amount of distance necessary to reek up the entire joint this way. 

I guess I'll never know.

For the love of Mike, guys, make it stop. My nose is extremely offended. Unsafe work environment. For reals.