People that think they're busy and important are irritating. I know people who are very important and are also busy, but they generally don't seem to think they're terribly important, so they don't annoy me. Oh, and in case you haven't realized it, I do make mental lists of people who I don't like, so you probably want to stay on my good side, because otherwise I may make your life miserable.

As I type, I can hear all the people who know me laughing and snorting at my lack of scariness.

When you approach me and say things like, "I need you to help me RIGHT NOW! I HAVE A MEETING!" (seriously...this happens, and you can hear the all-caps), it does not make me want to help you. It makes me want to make fun of you. However, I enjoy having a job, so I don't. This does not mean I won't make fun of you later, in my car on the way home; rather, it means that I will smile politely and say things like, "Ooohhh...sorry...I can't help you for another three weeks."

Okay, that's a lie. I wouldn't do that. Really, I will just do the smiling politely part and get you exactly what you demand. Inside, though, I'll be crossing my fingers that a violent bout of explosive diarrhea hits you in the car during five o'clock traffic, and you'll ruin your $250 dark-wash designer jeans along with the driver's seat of your $75,000 SUV. Nice, huh? I started doing this when I was about six years old and my mother told me she killed the nasty boss my dad had at his college job by saying a bad word at him when he did something mean to my dad. Well, I know now that what happened is that a lifetime of hard living and being a poo probably caught up to him and he had a heart attack and died, but six-year-old me got this brilliant idea that if I thought something hard enough, it could happen. It doesn't always work; for example, my constant wishing that unicorns will just start living in my backyard hasn't come to pass just yet, but sometimes when I'm having a craptastic afternoon and wishing for a highly caffeinated beverage, someone happens to drop by with one. It's my own personal brand of magic.

So if you've been horrible to me and you can't stop pouring tea all over your lap, shooting stuff out of your nose every time you talk to your boss, or breaking wind every time you are on a first date or are in a job interview or church, maybe now you know why. Maybe you should also bring me a cake. Just an idea.