New Year’s Eve again. Time to reflect, eat cheese, stay up way too late, and eat more cheese.

Yes, that’s where I’m at tonight. All the cheese.

Looking back on this year, I feel like I’ve lost a lot. I lost a tooth, I lost most of my baby-making equipment, and I lost my big old face mole. So, not all bad stuff.

I gained some things, too, like my fancy poppy tattoo and an equally fancy kitchen. Good things, there.

I’m also getting ready to perform a recital that I started preparing in 2015, so there’s that. No pressure. But also a pretty good thing, because I almost gave up on that this year, but I didn’t. So even if it doesn’t go great, at least I tried.

So I feel like 2019 was not too bad.

Still miss Mom, though. Maybe in 2020 that’ll get easier. We’ll see.

At any rate, I’m going to try to be extra nice during this new decade. Stop being selfish and self-absorbed, and maybe put down my phone more often and learn something or do something that’s real. I’m going to try to learn a new language this year and focus on the things that I like to do, not just the things that I have to do.

And also, I’m going to keep loving my cheeses. All of them. I think that’s the real secret.

Happy 2020 tomorrow!

I may have mentioned our kitchen remodel. A bit. Or maybe a lot, but come on, it's really exciting. We bought a house that was way bigger and nicer than we ever thought we could get, and making it pretty is the most fun thing ever. 

Fun, frustrating, expensive, painful, you know. All of that.

But my husband is a pretty awesome designer and tear-out, electrical, plumbing, all-around handy guy, and we got stupendous cabinets from a really nice guy in Amarillo and beautiful granite installed by a wonderful company here in town, and then my Dad came and took the sweetest pictures ever, and now I'm sharing them all here, for all two of you who still read this, because I post pretty much never. But here goes.

Feel free to ooh and aah. Especially at those fancy appliance garage doors, because they are AMAZING.

So, I must confess, I have a wee problem with standing up for myself. Like, there were these girls in middle school that used to punch me in the back when I was getting stuff out of my locker, and I wouldn’t ever tell on them. Still never have.

I remember them vividly, though, and if I ever get the chance, I have a glorious speech all ready for them. Ha.

At any rate, there is a new person in my life who has brought new meaning to the term “frenemy.” This person is cruel and mean, while also being a very giving and thoughtful person. I don’t get it. One minute, she’s saying things that honestly sound slightly Hitler-esque, and the next, she’s making me soup.

So confusing.

So I’m pretty scared of her, because I don’t want to get on her bad side. Therefore, I am venting here because yesterday she really got me.

She has made jokes about people thinking I look pregnant and about how I’m “definitely not beautiful, but cute!” before, and it’s pretty much as though she doesn’t realize how a stick-thin, former model who sits on her butt and eats cookies all day and never exercises could seem a little condescending when making these comments to a hefty, slightly mannish-looking woman who has been teased about weight and largeness her whole life. And has been a member of a society that tells her she doesn’t fit, and sends her to the back of the store to buy clothes at twice the cost. And has been on every diet known to man, faithfully, and exercises regularly and hasn’t had a cookie in ages, and yet the scale doesn’t budge.

Ugh. The struggle is real up in my neighborhood.

So yes, I’m not small and feminine and all of that. And I’m trying to accept it, because I don’t think bone and muscle reduction is a thing, and also just wait until that osteoporosis kicks in, lady. At any rate, she has had a hard life so I keep trying to remember that “hurt people hurt people.” I know she does it because she needs to do that to feel better, and that’s really sad.

But.

Yesterday when she walked in and stood there looking at me with her mouth hanging open, and I am just sitting there with my newly back to pixie hair, feeling like crap because, well, morning, but at least I was ecstatic with my hair. It just looks like what I feel like I look like. I can’t explain it any better than that. So I say, “Yep! I cut it off! Yay!”

And she says, with a look that makes her feelings completely known (sort of the face you’d make if someone took a dump on your desk), “Ugh. You sure did.”

And that was it.

I know it’s not a big deal, and I was hoping that if I let it go, I wouldn’t feel hurt about it, but I do. I don’t need her to like the way I look, but I sure wish she’d keep her opinions to herself. It’s not like I ask what she thinks.

And now I’ve gotten it out, and I can go on. Or maybe I’ll actually take a dump on her desk. We’ll see what the day brings...

By the way, EVERYONE is beautiful to someone. Be kind today. Feelings matter, guys.

Those of you who know me really well know that I have got a startle response that is completely disproportionate to the actual amount of startle. I've been this way my entire life, and many of my family members have equally fun startles.

This is why no one in my family jumps out at each other and says, "Boo!" You're liable to get a punch in the face if you pull something like that.

At any rate, I was washing some dishes in the sink at my work (where I probably spend a good hour of every day, attempting to wash off all the ew I have to touch because certain people poop and then don't wash their hands...another story for another day, there), and my co-worker came up behind me and patted me on the back to let me know she was behind me. Unfortunately, I had been singing a song in my head, and I was just getting to the really good emotional part, so I hadn't heard a thing, and I jumped a little bit, and we laughed and went on about our business.

I then went back to my desk and congratulated myself on containing my startle. Felt pretty darn proud.

About an hour later, everyone but me left for lunch and I was back at the sink, doing my thing, when all of a sudden I heard a noise and I yelped, jumped, hit my head on the cupboard above the sink and then kicked my shin on the cabinets.

The noise? Water draining down the sink.

Yep. I guess the startle's not as contained as I thought it was. Oops.