Here’s a tip: Either be there, or don’t. Don’t act like you’re somebody’s best friend when you’ve let them down for the last couple of years. Don’t ignore them for two years of chemo, recovery, sickness, hospitalizations, more chemo, and more hours of bed rest than anyone should ever have to endure, and then pick up the phone when you hear through the grapevine that their doctor has given up on treating them.

It’s crap.

My mom has gradually lost touch with many friends over the last couple of years. She has a few wonderful people who call regularly and make an effort to come and cheer her up. It’s been hard for her to make plans because she gets sick sometimes at the last minute, and has to cancel, so I get that many of her friends just stopped trying after a little while. Other people have their own stuff. I get it.

But since the day of the horrible news, her phone has been ringing non-stop, and it’s mostly people who haven’t bothered to check in since we started this terrible journey in January 2016.

Don’t. It’s crap.

Don’t leave messages saying things like, “Hi, honey! Just checking in. I’ve been thinking about you!”

No, you haven’t. You heard that she got bad news and you want to hear it from the source. Or you feel guilty because you forgot her. But where have you been in the in-between? Did you ever once call and check on her when she was in the hospital with the weird fever and swollen legs and stuck in bed but feeling antsy and bored? Did you remember her that first birthday when she was on chemo and feeling horrible? Did you check in during the year we were watching and waiting to see what the chemo and the emobilizations would do, while we had that horrible cancer weighing our hearts down and making us all feel this horrible dread every single day with no relief?

No.

So don’t call now. She doesn’t have time for friends who only bothered with her when she was her pre-cancer, do anything for anyone who needs it, happy, sunshiny, self. Now, every day is a struggle to stay present and not be overwhelmed with the fear and the unknown. Every day is a big question mark while we wait to see how long her body can continue to fight off this terrible disease, while trying to minimize the damage her spirit has sustained.

She has so many people who love her and have stayed by her side through this time. She has put so much love out into the world, and the people who love her have made sure that she gets some of that back. She is safe. She is appreciated.

So, don’t. Just don’t.