So I keep writing posts and then clicking "publish," and then my machine freezes and eats them. This is my third this week. I think it really emphasizes the mindset in my house right now. My brain is frozen and all I want to do is eat.....except that part is pretty normal for me.

At any rate, I'm so done with this remodel. He's done. We're done. But we still have a month to go.

This is a big old project. I have no baseboards and all my food is moved out to my garage in preparation for the big kitchen tear down this weekend. We knew it was going to be a pain in the butt.

And it is. It really is.

There's a lot that I just can't do. I'm not qualified to do plumbing or electrical stuff, and I'm useless at heavy work. I'm really good at organizing and painting, but all the organizing is going to come later, and there's only so much painting to do. That means my husband is stuck with the rest, and, boy, is he tired.

We are, like, three months in. We started all these shenanigans three months ago. Whoa.

One more week of teaching for me, and then I'm off for two weeks while the house is full of guys working and hammers banging and floors getting ripped out, etc. I will be spending a lot of time in my little office in the back, I'm guessing. So much noise. I hate it.

Also, I hate that I can't help more so my husband isn't quite so exhausted. That feels pretty lame.

I also also hate that I've blogged about this three times and the machine has done away with my posts. Where did they go?

Oh, well. 

At least there's coffee. Not having that would put this into national disaster territory; believe me, you wouldn't like me when I'm decaffeinated. I shall have an extra cup this morning and keep my fingers crossed that we'll make it through. We will. I swear.

Unless we run out of coffee. I should probably get more today, just in case.

I do like pie. I do.

It should be its own food group, as you can have all kinds with all kinds of ingredients, but it's usually not super healthy, and involves copious amounts of butter, which is delicious. 

So, yeah, usually pie is a good thing.

However, there is a pie I do not like. It's the pie chart on myfitnesspal. Guys. That thing is brutal.

I spend nineteen hundred hours a day trying to get the pie pieces the right size, and no matter what I do, I can't get the green pie piece to be huge. 

Stupid green pie piece.

I can get the blue one to stay around 1/3, I can get the red one to be there, too, but never at the same time. One of them always encroaches upon the green piece. 

Well, unless I eat nothing but lowfat cottage cheese and Greek yogurt. At this point, those two things are coming out my ears. I keep searching for a beer that is low carb and high protein, but so far that's not working out. Also, as much as I enjoy cheese, that tends to push the fat pie piece into the protein pie piece.

Jerks.

Cookies don't fit into the pie chart at all, either. Why? Why are you ruining my life, pie chart?

I think I need to switch that pie out for a different pie. Maybe a pot pie or even a quiche. Or one of those apple pies from McDonald's that burns the crap out of my tongue every time, even though I try to wait as long as is humanly possible. Those pies are so much more delightful and will make my life so much better.

Maybe that's what I'll do.

Except I know I won't.

Stupid pie chart.

Some political wisdom for your day, here, since the elections are cluttering up my life and I feel like you guys all need my particular brand of guidance. Ready?

Vote.

That's it. I don't care which person gets your vote. I know for sure my favorite candidate won't win, and the others are all pretty awful this time around. But, seriously, we survived some pretty horrible people in the White House, so I think we could recover from anything (well, anything but Trump...he can't run his own hair and he wants to run a country? Come on...).

I did a report on LBJ in elementary school, and I dug up a fact that he peed on people. Like, more than once. He was a big old douchebag. Yet, we survived.

Taft may or may not have gotten stuck in a bathtub. How embarrassing was that?

And the whole Monica Lewinsky debacle made me cringe, even though I was a little young to understand the true grossness of the stained dress.

So, at any rate, I think we'll be okay. As I've said a billion times, the local elections have WAY more bearing on our day to day lives, yet almost no one bothers to show up for them. The President is kind of a showpiece for the country (so, Trump...just, no), but your County Councilors and Mayors and all that really have more to do with local and state taxes, spending, schools, etc. So maybe actually learn about them and then go vote.

Also, stop threatening to unfriend people who disagree with you. It's childish. Do it, or don't. There are a million different ways to get things done, and most people are just trying to get people who lean more to their way of thinking. It's okay. If they're hateful or bigoted or racist or something, you should probably not be friends with them anyway. So why make a big stinky deal out of it?

Calm down. Have a coffee or take a nap or get a snack in there. We're all going to survive, no matter who gets voted in. 

Well, unless it's Trump. He is epically horrible. 

I've been having really weird dreams lately, but the last couple of nights, they've gotten more annoying, because they're waking me up before my alarm goes off.

What's up with that, brain? Knock it off.

Night before last, I was having my recurring "grinding all my teeth out" dream, which is pretty common for me, except that all of a sudden, there was a loud explosion in my head, so I woke up, because I thought something had busted in through the windows or something.

Turns out, I had clenched my teeth so hard, I shattered a temporary crown. Good thing I work in a dental office, and I already had an appointment to get my permanent one put on. Scary, though. Those things are loud.

And then, this morning, around 5:00ish, when I had planned to try an extra half hour of sleep because yesterday was just really tiring, I start dreaming about seagulls. Not the nice, peaceful, beachy kind, the "we will fly in your face and attack you" kind. They were getting louder and louder and I couldn't fight them off. 

Then I opened my eyes and realized that the noise was not, in fact, seagulls. It was boogers in my nose making a whistly sound that actually did sound pretty bird-like.

Nice, no? I was basically being chased by my deviated septum.

I really need to stop all this dreaming, though. It's exhausting.

Cheryl Tiegs, you've got to be kidding me.

First of all, you're, what, almost 70? I'd say that's harder on your body than being 20 pounds overweight. Work on that. 

Secondly, you're citing Dr. Oz's 35" waist recommendation as the basis for your criticism of the size 16 model on the SI cover. Dr. Oz. A man who has been blasted for promoting all kinds of crap with no scientific data to back up his claims. What a joke.

Finally, I would bet that the "plus size" model Sports Illustrated featured is super healthy, due to the crazy amount of muscle tone and complete lack of sag and/or cellulite. Did you even look at the pictures? You know that woman hits the gym. Get a grip.

I guess what infuriates me is that I am about the same size as her (although my flabby flat butt is obviously seriously inferior...sigh) and I would put my blood test results up against Cheryl Tiegs' any day. Saying it is impossible to be overweight and healthy at the same time just keeps the whole "fat shaming is okay" mindset out there. We should all eat healthy and be active. Size is irrelevant. I am tired of being told how defective I am, after decades of dieting and exercising. I was not made to be a size six. It's never going to happen. Could I stand to tone up and lose twenty pounds? Yep. Does that make me want to hide in a big Hefty bag? Yep. Do I want my fellow women to feel that way? ABSOLUTELY NOT. 

Take care of yourself. Eat some vegetables. Get some exercise because it's healthy and your joints will thank you. But don't starve, have that glass of wine and, for goodness' sake, eat some cheese. Happy is pretty, too.

Also, though, I think Cheryl Tiegs is just mad that no one wants to see her in a bikini anymore.

It looks like a tornado hit in here. 

No, seriously. It's not too messy, so I guess it's not a tornado, but there are missing pieces of floor, parts of the walls have been removed, pictures are off the walls, and random assorted crap is on the dining table, waiting to to be moved to a safe place.

So this is what big renovation projects are like, huh?

And we have a month and a half until it's all complete. I do not know if I'm going to survive the out-of-orderliness. It's like nothing is where it's supposed to go. My OCD may make my brain explode.

Why did we do this, again?

Oh, yeah. More counter space for when I'm making cookies. Sounds really reasonable, doesn't it?

Ugh. 

Well, it's not like I enjoy springtime anyway. This way, I have something legitimate about which I can complain. 

And I do like that.

Okay, maybe I'll survive. Maybe I'll get more used to mess and chaos and all of that, and I'll be less OCD-affected and become a better person.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Nope. I'll just be slightly more crazy, and (hopefully) have more space for cookie stuff. Cookies trump feelings. It's just the way life works. So that's positive.

Okay, we can do this.

We can.

I need more cookies.

The following link is the funniest snippet of TV I've seen in a long time.

Andy Griffith, your writers win.

Seriously, just watch this.

http://youtu.be/IYv6YDRRELI