When looking for inspiration for my blog, I sometimes have to search high and low before finding a suitable topic. Not so today.

This weekend was chock full of sad, but right at the end, my sister and I saw a sight that let us know that the world was alright: A lady wearing a Victoria's Secret Think Pink velour tracksuit that was two sizes too small, stretched so tight over her badonkadonk that you could see that she was wearing a thong that was also two sizes too small (seriously, I don't know if she'll require surgery to remove that thing from her butt, but my guess would be yes).

As she sashayed her way around the corner of the Giant gas station to let her little dog go poo, we were treated to a lot of cellulite and jiggle, and it made my day.

Not that seeing my family this weekend wasn't great (because it was, and it would've been a lot more fun had it not included the whole really really really really sad sadness that happens when people get too old and sick to be able to care for themselves), but a lady in a too-small velour tracksuit is pretty high up there on my list of things to see before I die. That fabric was stretched so hard that it was incredibly see-through, allowing for a view of every dimple and every wrinkle, but it still provided a lot of movement, so her cellulite was free to get its Jello-type wiggling on.

It was super impressive. I thought you'd wear one of those just for comfort, but there's no way that was comfortable. That's dedication to a look, right there. Lady, I applaud you.

Anyhow, at that moment, my sister and I looked at each other and laughed, and I had that happy feeling inside that means, "Ah...I have a blog topic for tomorrow." 

Yeehaw.

I am so glad the election process is almost over. People I love have turned into angry, bitter, fellow-man-hating people, and it makes me very sad. Politicians will always disappoint us, but we should try to respect our friends and neighbors and their rights and beliefs, even if we don't share them. There is no 100% right or 100% wrong, unless I'm the one saying it. Then you know it's right. Every time.

I just wanted to say that, no matter for whom your vote is cast, I am happy that you decided to vote. I am happy that we can all have different opinions and still co-exist. I am happy that, no matter who wins, I will get my friends back after next week, and my mailbox will no longer be full of circulars that tell me not to vote for somebody because he/she is a devil/anti-christ/puppy-killer. Yeah, those have been really effective.

Oh, and I would like to suggest that the Presidential loser buys drinks. For everyone. To make up for all of the inconveniencing that went on over the last year or so. So, yeah, get out your wallets, guys. I don't want a beer, I want one of those big fruity drinks with a plastic sword and some fruit. Something like this:

Note the orchid. That's a really nice touch, and I would appreciate something similar.

This year, we have absolutely no Halloween candy lying around the house. This makes me sad because this morning is shaping up to be a little rough and I'd like some chocolatey goodness to sooth my brain.

No such luck.

I am eating a lovely bowl of oatmeal with a big spoonful of jam in it, but that's not quite the same.

It's especially difficult because this morning is my earliest morning of the week and I'd like to not be insane for work. Oh, well. I guess they'll have to deal with me. After all, I do have over 5000 hits on my blog as of yesterday evening, so that makes me kind of famous. That special kind of famous, where I'm famous in my own head and others laugh at how delusional I am.

Haven't I really been that kind of famous all along, though? At least, the delusional part?

Maybe I'll have time to stop and buy something delicious for lunch. Probably not, but maybe if I trick myself into thinking I will, maybe I'll actually leave a little early this morning instead of being one or two minutes past the time I'd like to leave, potentially causing me to be one or two minutes late, which isn't a big deal for most people, but for me, it's the end of the world.

Oh, crap. I have the hiccups now.

I think it's like the cowbell fever except I don't need any more cowbell, as I have a slight headache. I need more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and/or Twix bars. Right away. This could be serious if I let it go too long.

I may actually become a bitch. Hahahaha...just kidding. I got there a long time ago.

THIS is what would make my day. This right here.

Oh, the hunt is on now.

When going to the store, it is very important to remember that one's goods should be on display at all times. Don't be tricked into thinking that the people behind you at Target don't want to see your back fat rolls clearly through your tight, tight t-shirt. Also, for the love of all that is holy, please remember to let that little strip of skin right above the back of your jeans show, so we can all see your butt crack.

Because, really, one's crack is the epicenter of one's look, and should be on display at all times. 

It's also good to keep in mind that, if you have a prepubescent daughter, you should just go ahead and borrow her jeans. Don't let those sweet sparkly butt pockets go to waste, just sitting at home in a drawer, waiting for a person who weighs about 50 pounds to take them out.

Yep, shove and squeeze your 200-plus-pound butt into them. That sparkly design looks ever so much better stretched out as much as possible. It's like a glittery rainbow exploded across your bum.

Oh, and your tight t-shirt? Make sure it's cut lower in front than your bra, so we can see all of what you've got going on. Nothing says class quite like visible nips and a full set of belly rolls. One can never show too much boob and/or stomach.

Thanks for keeping these tips in mind.

I've decided to take a hiatus from being productive. This means that any and all crafting done will be the kind of crafting I love the most. That kind of crafting is the kind where I look at something and think, "Hmmm...that looks cool. I wonder if I could make it?"

Generally, I then google whatever it is and try to find some free instructions on the web and then make sure it only uses whatever I already have lying around the house (because if I have to go spend money on it, then I might as well buy it at the store).

I then spend a few hours cussing and breaking stuff, and then, voilà! I have just made something that I was curious about. That's pretty much how the last few days of crafting have been. I've made a few little makeup bags and a big hobo bag, mostly because it has the name hobo in the title, and that's one of my favorite words. Also, I put the straps sideways on it so I could use it for yarn and not have any obstructions. So it looks kind of funny and I didn't realize it was the straps until my lovely husband pointed it out. Oh, well. At least that mystery is solved. It will be more functional for me, though, so that's what matters. Right? Sure.

Next up is learning how to do a cable knit thingy. It may or may not be a scarf...it's pretty slow going and I may end up quitting as soon as I see (or don't see) the cable coming out. Knitting is much harder than crocheting for me to do, so I hope I get better at it. Right now it requires so much concentration that I feel as if my head's going to explode.

I may also try baking something cool that no one makes at home. Or I may just make Danish again, because they were awesome. We'll see. For sure, though, I will totally be unproductive for a few more days, because it's just so much more fun.

I do totally recognize that my version of being unproductive requires productivity, by the way. That's just how it works around here.

Tomorrow morning is my annual physical. I don't really expect a miracle, but it would be lovely if I could lose around 30 pounds over the next twenty-four hours. Here is my plan of attack:

First, I will think about it a lot. A LOT. Studies have shown (well, the studies in my imaginary laboratory) that thinking about being skinnier causes it to actually happen. No joke. They've also shown that cake is good for your heart, and that beer actually increases your brain size, making everything you say more intelligent and also making you much cleverer than you were sans alcohol.

Secondly, I will think very hard about exercising. Even if I don't actually drag my butt out and do it, the thinking is very powerful (see above).

I don't really have a third. I guess I'm just expecting one and two to take care of it.

Crap.

Oh, well. I can always fall back on the, "Why, no! I didn't realize that I have a weight problem. What do you suggest?" That always makes the doctor feel really smart and good, as if she's the first person to discover my ginormousness. The tricky part is to say it without even a hint of sarcasm. I guess I can work on that today. 

Tomorrow's going to be sweet.

Today is the day all of the merchants in town give little kids candy if they come in dressed up. Why did we not get two opportunities to wear our Halloween costumes when we were kids? That is stupid and unfair.

I say we should have more grownup times for costumes. I don't own a cape, but I'd like to, and I have plenty of pairs of tights. I really wanted to go as Justin Bieber this year and have my husband go as Selena Gomez, but I couldn't talk him into it. Maybe next year.

As a kid, I always had big dreams of filling up my pillowcase with candy, but I was too chubby to walk that far, and I'd get tired after a few streets and then my Dad would have to carry me home. I still have that dream, but I don't think my Dad can carry me home, so if I walk too far I'll just be stuck.

Maybe, instead of going out and trick-or-treating (I realize I'm too old for that...just let me have my dream) I could go out to the merchants and tell them I have a kid and she's sick at home, so I'm collecting candy for her (I realize I could buy my own candy, but that ruins all of the fun times). Then, I could get all sorts of candy...maybe even a pillowcase full.

Yeah. I'll do that.

Or maybe I'll just go to the store and buy some of those Reese's peanut butter pumpkins I've heard about. They sound flipping delicious. That's much easier, and I won't even have to Bieber my hair.