Okay. Now that it's actually happened and I've calmed myself a bit, I've thought of ten ways our government officials can move past this, set aside their disagreements, and get some stuff done. Ready? Here goes:

10. They could all go home and make dinner for their moms. That would be thoughtful and nice, plus, their moms would probably appreciate it even more than usual because they've heard so much crap all week about how much everybody hates their kids. I realize some of these people are too old to have moms they can make dinner for, so those guys should probably go make dinner for someone else's mom. Same principle.

9. They should go to their rooms and sit in front of a mirror and do an self-affirmation statement, Stuart Smalley style. Maybe if they get to the "...smart enough..." part, they will feel empowered.

8. They should all get in a line and give each other back rubs à la high school choir. I think it's supposed to create a sense of community (even though all it made me think about was germs and how much I hate touching people I don't like).

7. They should get a big old TV and DVD player or Netflix or whatever and then watch "It's A Wonderful Life." They'll all have a good cry and be able to get down to work without those pesky pent-up emotions.

6. They should go to the mall and just have a big shopping day. It's therapeutic, and I think some of them haven't actually bought new clothes since the 80s and...it's time. It really, really is.

5. They must have a gym for them, right? They should all go work out. All those endorphins and whatnot....could be helpful.

4. They should rent a bus, and take a field trip to the local Animal Humane Association and spend a day petting puppies and kitties. Come on. So much cute.

3. Someone should string up a volleyball net and they should have a tournament. I have never actually done this myself, but I see it in tampon commercials all the time, and it usually does the trick.

2. Julie Andrews should pop in with her guitar. I mean, it saved the von Trapp family, so why not? 

1. The best way of all....the way that will save the day....my mom should go over there and make them all hug each other, say, "I love you," and hold hands until they've made up.

That one has a 100% success rating. Just ask my sister.

Today is going to be pretty awesome. I get to see my BFF, and I never, ever get to see him AND we get to have lunch instead of just a short coffee visit AND I get a voice lesson AND I don't have to go into the office.

So that's pretty sweet.

On the downside, the people we've elected to run our country have apparently decided that, instead of doing their jobs, they're going to be pissy with one another and waste MORE money and just screw around. I want to teach them a special lesson about a little thing I like to call "COMPROMISE."

Mostly, it entails giving up some of what you want, while others give up some of what they want so that everyone can have a little bit of what he or she wants. It's what we call a "win-win" situation. 

Buuuuuuuuuut no. They have to hold on tightly to their politics and refuse to give an inch, in order to avoid looking like their ding-a-lings are tiny.

Which they may or may not be. I don't know. Quite honestly, I don't care. I would just like to not have to worry about not being able to pay my bills and having my credit ruined and losing everything I have so that they can have principles.

I would love to be able to afford principles. Unfortunately, I have decided that I would rather, you know, live in a house, as opposed to a dumpster or an alleyway, and for those of us who fall below that crazy huge income level that politicians in D.C. have, we kind of have to learn to compromise in order to get by.

I really don't care, at this point, what they pass. I'm pretty sure they waved bye-bye to giving a crap about what their constituents want a long time ago. At this point, they could pass a law where we all have to find a healthcare buddy among our friends to do routine things like pap smears and prostate exams, and I would deal.

Maybe their paychecks should be on the line. Maybe their houses should be on the line. Maybe their jobs should be on the line.

Maybe we need to vote every single one of them out next term and get some new people in there, regardless of party. 

Maybe I should shut up and post an educational video.

Sounds good. Happy Tuesday.

Have you ever had chile rellenos? Not the kind of casserole that some people call chile rellenos, but real ones? Ones that look like this?

Yeah, I had THAT for dinner last night. Except that mine were all covered in MORE cheese (they're stuffed with it, too) and red chile. 

Yeah, I'm still excited about it? What of it? The most exciting part was that this morning was weigh-in morning, and instead of gaining another half-pound, I actually LOST a pound. All caps. That's right.

So, altogether, since I started the crazy "exercise-like-a-psycho-and-cut-calories" way of life two months ago, I've only lost five pounds, but I've also lost two inches off my waist, so I'm pretty happy about that.

What did I do differently this week? Well, my friends, I ATE MORE.

I ATE MORE.

Wow, that is a beautiful sentence. It wasn't my idea...someone else told me I might not be eating enough, and I read about it, but after last week's disappointment, I took the whole weekend off the diet (not the exercise part, just the food counting part) and then added 100 calories a day during the week.

How did that even work?

And then, the night before weigh-in, I went out and had that glorious deep-fried goodness you see up there. Geez Louise.

This morning is my favorite.

My husband shared something with me yesterday that makes me worry about the next generation just a little bit more than I already did:  The Katy Perry video where she has, ahem, "The Eye of the Tiger."

Rawr.

Anyhow, will someone please explain the appeal of this crap? It's horrible. I know all about horrible, because half the stuff I listen to is horrible, as well. This kind of horrible is worse. though, because no one seems to recognize that it's horrible. I actually saw a comment where the person wrote, "Katy Perry is GENIUS!!!" All caps and three, count them, three exclamation points.

No, Survivor were genius when they came out with their song. Katy Perry is an effective entertainer. Not genius. Yes, again with the entertainment value being put way above artistic value. I realize that it's pop and it's for fun, but the melody was so annoying it almost made my head blow up. I've heard some of her other songs and they don't bother me nearly as much, although I'm convinced that if she wasn't cute, there's no way she could've gotten famous. Her voice is so...hmm...bleh. Not good, not bad, highly computer-altered and straight. No character, no nothing.

Like Britney Spears' voice, except less baby-like and therefore less irritating overall. Also, the video had less boob than I was expecting, so that's good.

But still, she's no Survivor. THIS is Survivor. Enjoy it, and may your day be as fierce as their hair and their tight-crotched jeans. Rawr for reals.

Since when does having a good attitude about anything not make it better?

Well, really, since now.

I've been having a good attitude about this whole, "I'm fat, but I'm working on it." thing, but it's not working out too well. It's hard to go walk that walk of doom every day when I know that during the weeks I exercise I don't lose any more than the weeks I don't. Also, it's hard not to eat cake when I know that during the weeks I'm really careful and don't eat crap, I won't lose any more weight than during the weeks I go out and drink beer on Friday.

Wait...it's Friday...does that mean beer?

Sadly, probably, no. But at least it's Friday. I was all psyched for weigh-in this week because I killed it. I mean, KILLED it. I exercised every stinking day, even on performance days, and I was very careful with my food, coming in under my calorie target every day but one, and only exceeding that day by 200 calories, which I then offset with extra exercise.

Gained half a pound.

What. The. Hell. I keep thinking I should just give up and go eat an entire bag of Doritos, but I know I won't because if I'm just staying in this same little area even though I'm working so hard, I will end up gaining twenty pounds if I even look at the Doritos.

And maybe smell them a little.

And maybe lick the salty cheesy goodness off of one of them.

And then maybe drink a regular Mountain Dew (I know they're horrible, but for me they're the pinnacle of soda-like refreshment...I haven't had one in ages).

Mmmmmm. Bacon.

I think my thoughts about food are actually making me fatter. Oh, well. It's Friday....except I'm painting all weekend and working extra shifts all next week, so, yeah. 

Ugh.

Maybe the answer, for this weekend, at least, is a cheat day. Maybe that's more effective and then I'll have less calories all week. Or I'll try a new diet plan. I've done Atkins, and it worked, even though it was the only time in my life where the thought of food made me nauseous.

Or maybe I'll just decide that I don't care.

Totally going with that one. For right now. It's going to last approximately five minutes, but for those five minutes I'll feel so free and alive. Then I'll get back into frustrated mode.

Did I mention I think I may have issues? 

The thought of Doritos and a Mountain Dew, however, may just get me through today. 

I am not the most fashionable person in the world, but I do have some handy hints to help out those of you who may be even more sartorially-challenged than I happen to be. After the last week or so, I am convinced that the world needs even more of help than I've been giving it, so I've decided to just go ahead and shoot my mouth off. Or my keyboard. Whatever.

1. First of all, I've said it before and I will probably keep saying it until I die: Leggings are not for everyone. If people keep asking you where your pants are, you might want to invest in  a different type of leg-wear. The idea is to try not to look like you're smuggling a gallon of cottage cheese in your slacks.

Hahaha. Slacks.

2. If what you've spilled on your outfit looks and/or smells like barf, you're probably better off changing rather than going into the bathroom and trying to rinse it off and failing to do more than just smear it around and make it look like wetter barf. If changing isn't an option...well...make it an option. Or take that bad boy off in the bathroom and scrub. Because barf (or whatever that is) tends to make other people barf, and before you know it, we all have barf on our shirts, know what I'm saying?

3. Dressing in extra foofy stuff doesn't make you look more trendy and/or feminine. It just makes you look like an old lady. If extra frilly stuff was trendy, then it might work, but I haven't seen this kind of outfit in a while. Don't do it.

(I have to admit that my first reaction to this outfit is always going to be, "Wow! She's bitchin!" because when I was 10 this was who I wanted to be. I blame my mom for keeping me from true high-haired glory and never buying me a fringed jean jacket. Gee, thanks, mom.)

4. Visible underwear was never really acceptable. Don't do it.

5. Finally, if you're old enough to have signed up for AARP during the Reagan administration, you're too old to wear a miniskirt with no pantyhose or tights. I don't care if you work out, and I don't care how thin your legs are.  They look like a close-up road map of Manhattan, and no one needs to see that. And, really, no one needs to have to worry about a slight breeze popping up and treating us all to a showcase of your goods. Just, no.

No.

Thank you for listening. I hope you took notes. 

So it's been raining for ages now, an amount of rain I've never seen, and while we're not having the flooding of epic proportions seen in Colorado, my front yard does have two little ponds in it. We also have a few little tiny leaks, which freaks me out, but my husband doesn't seem too worried about it, so it's probably okay.

How does he know which stuff is okay and which stuff is really bad? For instance, last night we noticed water dripping into the chimney and down into the fireplace (a teeny little bit). How does he know that that's okay and we shouldn't call somebody? (Although, really, it wouldn't do any good...no one could go out on a roof in this.) This morning, there's a few little tiny drips coming from where the furnace and water heater vent into the roof. How is that okay?

So, yes, I've arrived at Crazy Town, and my husband's like, "No biggie. Just check the towels every hour or two." How did that happen? We usually worry together....it's like special bonding time for Type-A personalities. I'm kind of on my own on this one.

Alright. I'm sure it will be okay. It is Yom Kippur this evening, after all, and we all know that nothing bad ever happens on holidays. Right? RIGHT? 

Right.

Plus, there's cake in the fridge, so that can save the day if I need it to. I'll save it as a last resort. I could also make cookies, except I'm supposed to just relax all day before I sing at the temple. Yep. But, cookies. Just thinking about cookies has improved my mood dramatically....okay, all good now.

P.S. In the last 15 minutes, one of the ponds in the yard has grown substantially. If it doesn't stop raining soon, I may have a massive spaz attack.