You know what's my favorite? Teenage girls with an unearned sense of entitlement who come into the office and won't talk to "the help," or who act as though every person they come into contact with is an inferior species, unfit even to wash their perfect little feet.


By the way, I'm "the help."


So, for all you girls out there who fit this description, let me give you a peek at what your future holds:

Yep. Even Tyra Banks isn't immune to the effects of age and too many Doritos. You don't look nearly as good as she did, either, so you don't have nearly as far to fall. So, yeah, maybe you don't act like such a little snot, and maybe I won't mock you mercilessly when you lose the only thing you've got going for you.


Okay, that's a lie. I'll still make fun of you, but maybe I won't do it to your face.

I've figured out the real problem. We're getting more self-absorbed and worse at having face-to-face contact with other people. That's why Facebook is so great. We can post anything and have no real fear of contradiction or criticism because we can always delete the comment. We can also post just about any sad status update, and at least one FB friend will write an "Oh...poor you!" comment.


Yeah, don't do that. It's fake and emotionally manipulative.


Have real contact with people, maybe put some pants on and go out; FB isn't a suitable substitute for real-life experiences. Play a game...one that requires a board and some other people. That can always involve copious amounts of wine and someone acting stupid, which is the most fun of all.


Stop making obtaining the desired reactions from your FB friends the sole focus of your life. There's too much to do that's way more fun, and they probably don't appreciate being made to feel guilty all the time. It's like we're all best friends with the Mother from Everybody Loves Raymond.


This isn't pointed at any one person, mind you. I'm sure I'm just as guilty as anyone else; I'm just getting tired of reading postings that are obviously cries for attention. Call me and make plans if you want to spend time with me; don't post a status that says that you're lonely. Everyone is lonely. Life is about coping with that. I'm going to do my best to not post statuses that just make everyone else feel guilty about the time they don't spend with me. Also, if you'd, maybe, write and ask a friend how she's doing, she'll probably reciprocate, and then you'll both actually feel better. It's amazing how actually giving a crap about another person can do that.


Also, while I'm at it, if we could all stop posting the things that say, "If you're against animal cruelty (or child abuse or poverty or pollution or forcing people to listen to Yanni...just fill in the blank with a monstrosity), re-post this. If you don't, then you don't care, etc." I would be thrilled. What good does it do to make that a status? How does publicly saying a person doesn't like something make it go away? I don't re-post those because I feel like the person is trying to push me to repeat some inane slogan that sounds pretty and is completely meaningless, and I just don't want to participate in that. So let's knock it off already. No one likes child abuse, and maybe if people donated some time or money to helping correct the issues they choose, it would do more than giving those people a short-lived feeling of self-satisfaction.


Just a suggestion. Yep, I've got a million of them...just call me cranky (actually, I think I prefer the term, "persnickety").

Last night, we're walking in the sweat-inducing, madness-causing heat-tasticness, and I see a person walking towards us. I don't realize I know her, as I'm not really looking at her face, but I notice that her outfit was fantastic, and I can't avert my eyes. It's a pretty long, straight stretch and I have a long time where I can legitimately stare, so that's pretty fun for a people-watcher like me. Really, how often do I just get to ogle somebody's interesting outfit choice without worrying if she's going to catch me?


She has on workout clothes,consisting of a sports bra and a pair of spandex short-shorts. Now, this sounds perfectly reasonable, until I mention that she is at least as large as me, if not larger. I'd actually say around 30 pounds larger, and about six inches shorter, and I usually under-estimate other people's weight, so....yeah. There's a lot of skin coming out of there. A lot. We approach her and I realize she's an acquaintance; not someone I know well, but someone I see around town and know well enough to talk to if I run into her at the store. She passes, smiling and giving a short greeting, and I realize that she has absolutely no discomfort about being seen in those clothes.


Oh my goodness. She is comfortable with herself.


How does that happen, and where do I sign up?


Just the thought of doing that makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. I would NEVER walk in public in short shorts and a sports bra. I would rather die from the heat than just wear less clothing and feel comfortable. As a matter of fact, I bought walking pants that are really yoga pants because I like that extra layer of fabric between my skin and the world. It's as if that fold-up top on the yoga pants is somehow going to disguise the voluminousness of my stomach when the wind blows my ginormous t-shirt against it. Oh, and don't even get me started on my arms. I'm uncomfortable enough even with clothes covering them. That's mostly because I have two giant hams concealed in my sleeves, only these aren't your garden-variety hams; these are attack hams, and if too much of them is uncovered, there will be a nuclear holocaust.


That's pretty much how I feel about that.


So, why does she get to walk around, oblivious to the extra poundage seeping out from between the bottom of her sports bra and the top of her spandex? I don't think that's the way it's supposed to work. I'm pretty sure there's some kind of law, requiring our kind of people to wear a muumuu or a Hefty bag when venturing out-of-doors. I think I read about it somewhere. Somewhere on the internet. I certainly don't get that kind of freedom. Am I just super neurotic? I mean, good for her and all, but even as I'm admiring her level of self-esteem, I'm cringing inside at the thought of how I'd look, out in public, with all my bits and pieces on display.


I realize this is ironic, in a week where I've posted about cheese and doughnuts, but I didn't actually eat those things. Well, not the doughnuts, anyway. 


Well, I guess as much as I want to be a normal, well-adjusted person, this particular thing isn't going to happen. There's just no way I can talk myself into airing out my flab. No matter how convincing I try to be with myself (and I have talked myself into some pretty interesting shenanigans in the past), my comfort will never come before my dignity (I still have a shred of dignity; let me hang onto it). We'll see how I feel when I'm 80. Maybe I'll change my mind.


Good for her, though.

We went for a walk last night, in the hot hotness of the heat. It was quite warm and quite awful, but we did it. In celebration, I think that everyone should buy me a doughnut today. A raised doughnut (not a cake one) with pink frosting (not a particular fruit flavor, mind you, because doughnuts shouldn't have real fruit flavors; instead, they should be fried and covered with a sugar-filled glaze or an artificially flavored and colored frosting), and maybe some sprinkles or coconut. I prefer the oblong sprinkles to the round ones, and either kind to coconut, but I'm not particular. I'll take any kind. This one would be perfect:

Maybe that says a little something about me; namely, that I always reward my good food/exercise behaviors with food and/or lack of exercise. 

P.S. If you're skinny and you always refer to yourself as a "fat kid" because you like to eat a lot, and you're asking yourself if that is offensive to those of us who were actually fat kids, the answer is: YES. Yes, it does. You don't get to be in our club unless you've walked the walk, and from the looks of your size 2 jeans, that's never happened. So shut it. Not all of us get to eat entire bags of Taco Doritos in one sitting (we just dream about it).

No, wait.

You owe me a pink doughnut for trying to appropriate my condition. Maybe a regular Dr. Pepper, too. I haven't decided. Let's just start with the doughnut and see how it goes, shall we?

Since I'm working ever so many hours this week, trying to keep up with all of the work I have in my regular at-home type job, plus extra hours in the office, I'm going to be lazy and write about one of the loves of my life: Cheese.


Cheese is delicious (I realize that goes without saying for most of us, but there are still those people out there that are ambivalent about the power of cheese). I love all kinds of cheese (except head cheese, which is not cheese at all, in my opinion), but my top three cheeses are Gouda, Gorgonzola and Fontina.


Here is a picture of cheese:

Revel in its cheesy deliciousness.

That is all. Your day is going to be so awesome now...can't you feel it?

There are some people who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. I do not happen to be one of those people, but it doesn't make me hate them. I mean, why would I want to strangle a person for being able to partake in a malt every afternoon while I'm eating my lovely snack that consists of water and air. Equally good, right?

Sure!

Plus, think of all that money I save, eating yogurt every day for lunch (even though I truly hate yogurt), along with an apple. I don't hate apples, but I would much rather have a bag of chips. 

Plus, who wants to be able to go on vacation and not write down everything she eats? That's no fun. It's much nicer for a person to try to find the only healthy thing on the menu every time she goes to a restaurant and then only eat half of it and have to throw the rest away because her husband is not co-operating and helping to eat that particular dish because it basically consists of boiled broccoli and a 2 oz. shrivelly piece of chicken in some ridiculously vinegary sauce. Crazy husband. He wants to go on vacation and eat stuff that tastes good.

Who wants to do that?

I'm not bitter. Not at all, even considering that I split a bottle of pink champagne on my birthday so I now get to eat, well, nothing, at least until I lose the birthday weight that I accumulated over two days. Two days. Not a week, but two days, and I still gained a few pounds. Yeah, that's awesome.

Besides, I just love going out and walking for an hour every night in the 90+ degree weather we're having right now. I think my sweat makes a statement. It's super fun to keep going when you feel as though half of your body has melted off, but it's the half that doesn't actually weigh anything.

So, no, I don't hate naturally thin people at all. Not at all.

I'm just saying they should probably avoid me like the plague. Not that I'll be mean or anything, but deep inside I'll be smacking the crap out of them as they enjoy their guilt-free Quarter Pounders.

In response to a suggestion from a reader, I'd like to present some advice on etiquette at the mall. It seems that quite a few people forget how to behave in this very, very public place, and maybe those people need a quick reminder.


First and foremost, one should remember to wear one's tightest, most poorly-fitting clothing. How are people going to see the goods if they aren't on display, right? Make sure that any tube tops are at least two sizes too small to ensure excitement for the viewer (if the people around you aren't concerned about accidentally getting a peek at the nipple area, the tube top isn't tight enough). A large amount of visible butt-crack is also desirable, but not mandatory. It's probably enough if a person and her teenage daughter have both borrowed something that looks like it came from the toddler section at the Gap, and the daughter's shorts are so short that, not only can they rightfully be called janties, her fellow mall-goers are also treated to a public viewing of her cellulite in all its glory(I know...teenagers with cellulite...the world is a-changing)!


Secondly, please remember to walk very slowly and stay in the very middle of the path that is being taken. The people approaching from the rear need to learn that the mall is not a place one goes to accomplish any specific tasks. The mall is a place for contemplation, meandering, and talking on one's cellphone very loudly about why Veronica's boyfriend broke up with her. If a person is in a big hurry, and has actually come to the mall to attempt to buy something in a timely manner, she should simply push through the people in front of her (without saying a word) and rush past, not forgetting to flip off the people who were in her way. Also, keep in mind that all of the people in the immediate area are really very interested in whatever conversations are happening around them, cellphone and otherwise, so make sure to speak loudly and clearly. Oh, and don't forget the profanity. It adds that special dash of mall color that makes everyone's day brighter.


As a side note, the mall is definitely a good babysitter, so feel free to drop off unwanted adolescents there for the afternoon. Everyone enjoys watching twelve-year-olds run through the mall, screaming and pushing down little kids to their hearts' delight. Ah, to be a child again...


Anyhow, I digress. There is one more aspect of mall attendance that is of the utmost importance, yet is frequently overlooked by the average mall-goer: The large soda. Please, no matter what else is done during the course of the day, don't neglect the large soda. It's practically a requirement. One should purchase the beverage at the beginning of one's day at the mall, so as to have maximum drinking time, and carry it throughout the mall. Including the bathroom. If that drink hasn't had time to sit on the counter while its owner is taking a whiz, it's missing out on a vital part of the mall day, and so are the people who get to try to work around it as it takes up valuable, germ-filled counter space. As a side note, it's really not necessary to wash one's hands after using the facilities. They're probably pretty clean; I wouldn't worry about it. After the bathroom break, it's time to take that soda everywhere you can. Make sure to take it into stores and hold it, drink-sweat dripping down onto whatever is being viewed, while perusing the selection of silk blouses at Macy's. Be sure that one's fellow shoppers are offered a drink, as well. It's lovely to be mindful of one's neighbor's thirst and whatnot.


There. Now everyone is prepared for the big day at the mall. Be sure to be extra aggressive in the parking lot, as walking an extra two feet really is a hardship, and don't forget to buy a bunch of crap! Happy shopping!