Today, I would like to warn you all of the doom that is upon us. Summer is approaching and that means the return of the dreaded:

Yes, the jean short that doubles as a panty.


Remember, folks, not everyone should wear the janty. In my humble opinion, no one should wear it, but I could make a few exceptions:


1. People under the age of six
2. People over the age of 80 (when I'm in my golden   
   years, I'm going to do what I want)
3. Really athletic construction workers in a rock video


That's pretty much it. If you fit into any of those categories, rock on. Otherwise, I'm thinking you should consider adding a few inches of length to those janties.


For the rest of us, we can only be vigilant and try to stay prepared. Try to keep your eyes up as you walk down the street in order to avoid any unnecessary crotchal displays. I also find it helpful to keep away from the mall on Saturdays, as I know I'm going to see a massive amount of janty there, and I don't want to burn out my retinas. Sunglasses also help, especially indoors, as they really minimize the visibility of cellulite, which helps keep the ick down to an tolerable level.


For those of you asking yourselves, "Do I have a pair of janties? Should I wear them?" you might want to go through the following checklist:


1. Do you have a muffin top? If yes, no janties.
2. Do you have any cellulite (be honest)? If yes, no janties.
3. Are your legs white enough to burn people's retinas out? If
   yes, no janties.


If you've gotten through this checklist, see my checklist above. If you don't fall into any of the categories I mentioned, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, think of the children.


NO JANTIES.

There's this lady I know, and I'm pretty sure she's a witch. Not a Earth-worshiping person or that sort of thing, because a lot of those kinds of witches are actually just like you and me, except they have a different kind of church, but an actual witch. I'm talking Hansel and Gretel. My husband thinks she's spooky, but I don't think he really believes me that she's got to be a witch because whenever we pass her he always wants me to say something to her, and maybe ask if she's a witch. I guess he didn't get the memo that confronting a witch is always a bad idea. Always.


First off, she smells bad. She doesn't bathe, I guess, and if a person is unlucky enough to have to walk past her on the same side of the street, the stench is overpowering. I mean, I can smell her from the inside of a house if she walks past. I'm not exaggerating, either. Whoa. I don't know if that's a witch thing or not, but the ones on TV always look like they may be having issues in the hygiene department.


Secondly, she always wears a winter coat. Even in the summer. Maybe she's just cold, but I think maybe she has some weird witchy thing going on in there. Maybe witches are always cold when they go outside because they're always brewing up some potion and whatnot in their cauldrons. I realize it's the 21st century, and she probably has a microwave, but those get pretty hot, too.


Third, she's spooky. Like, all kinds of spooky. I shiver when she walks by, and I don't usually do that unless it's a real witch.


I'm totally right on this one. I think by just writing about it, I may get cursed or something, but I'll take my chances. Everybody knows witches don't use computers. Also, she doesn't really wear a pointy hat and I think those are required. Perhaps she feels too conspicuous in it and leaves it at home, but I think the winter coat in summer is conspicuous enough. 


Or maybe she's just sick or something, and I just cemented my status as a bad person. Eesh. That is a distinct possibility. The smell, though....it's got to be an issue when workmen working in a yard, shoveling manure into a flowerbed, comment on the smell. Yep, that really happened.


Conversely, this could be the result of less sleep than usual and me having access to a computer at 5:30 in the morning. I think maybe this blog is my form of drunk dialing.

One of the most fun things to do when I'm bored is to provide alternate dialogue for people while I'm sitting in my car, watching them. Yesterday, for example, I was waiting in my car at the gas station while my husband went in to get something, and I saw a couple who was obviously having an argument. I couldn't hear what they were really saying, but their fake conversation went something like this: "I don't care, BillyJim. You are not going to the dance with your hair like that." "Yes, I am, Shalonda. You can't make me into some kind of Barbie doll. I need to wear gel. Lots and lots of gel."


And so on. One needs to see the subjects' hand motions to tell what they should be talking about, but it was evident from this particular couple that BillyJim (who did, indeed, speak with a very heavy Southern accent, sort of like those people on that show about people who live in swamps) was very much into his gel, and Shalonda wasn't having any of that.


Name selection is very important. Picking names that sound as funny as possible at the time is a good idea. It also helps if there are as many people in the car as there are voice replacement subjects (this is the best place for this activity; if a person does this where other people can hear the dialogue, sometimes the other people get irritated). Men should also have high-pitched, twangy voices or funny accents, and most women should have a funny accent or a nasally "secretary through the intercom"-type voice.


That's really about it. Once names have been chosen, as well as subject matter and voices and/or accents, one is ready to start. Go slowly at first. Start with things like asking the other person what his or her name is, or what they do for a living. There's also the option of having kissy smoochy talk between two people that look like they'd be a very odd couple.


Once a person has mastered that, though, he or she can start with the "crazy internal conversation." That's when there's someone who's by himself and obviously suffering from some sort of inner turmoil (or not...be creative). Those are definitely more challenging, but they can also be the most rewarding, especially if one is willing to go for more edgy subject material; maybe the voice replacement subject is hearing voices in her head or, my favorite, preparing for an oncoming bout of explosive diarrhea.


This can provide a person with minutes of amusement. After that, you're on your own. Just please, for the love of Mike, don't pick your nose. Those windows in your car are see-through from both sides, and everyone else can, indeed, see you. Thanks.

Ugh. I didn't even realize I missed yesterday until just now. Go me. I have a huge pile of work to do, since I slacked off for the whole of March, and now it's time to get on it. First things first, though.


I would like to make a list of all of the things that scare and/or disturb me, mostly because I think a lot of them are hilarious and don't make any sense, and I enjoy making fun of myself. Also because I ran out of regular coffee this morning and am now enjoying some instant Folgers crystals. I can now add that to my list, as well. Yet I still drink it, maybe because I know that if I don't, I will have a headache worse than any instant coffee nastiness this afternoon. However, I don't think it makes me have my usual super brain power, so I have an excuse for my idiocy this morning.


Here it is, just what you've been waiting for...The Top Seven Things That Bug/Scare/Irritate/Terrify/Disgust Me:


1. Clowns - Why do we insist on showing these things to children? They are not cute or fun. They want to eat our faces off. I've seen Scooby-Doo and I know that the clown is always the bad guy in a mask; therefore, all clowns are bad guys in masks. Scooby-Doo wouldn't lie about that sort of thing.


2. Outer Space - This one scares the crap out of me. I don't know why, but if you want to see what true terror is, make me look at a big picture of a planet or a galaxy or something like that. Yikes. I think maybe I was severely beaten at a planetarium as a child.


3. Maps - Not road maps, but really any other sort of map. Why? See the one about outer space. I have no idea. I can look at them, but they make me feel all icky and then I need to throw up. I like to think it's because they usually have a bunch of non-straight lines on them, and that they usually aren't symmetrical, but deep inside I know the truth: I am a weirdo. There's no good reason for it.


4. Meat on the Bone - Not scary, just disturbing. There's something truly gross to me about gnawing on a big old hunk of meat that's still on a bone, complete with tendons and whatnot. I have a little trouble with most meat, but I can usually get past it, unless there's a bone. Case in point: Thanksgiving involves a whole turkey, but at my house it also involves me crying because I feel sad for the turkey that was fed so it got all misshapen and then we killed it. So my mom takes over, a little disgustedly because she is a master and can cook any sort of meat dish you want, and my husband laughs at me, because, well, I'm crying about a turkey. Which I realize is a ridiculous thing to do, since I'm not a vegetarian, but bacon is just so delicious I can't go there.


5. Shaking Hands - I HATE THIS. Now, this one is totally all on my OCD, I know, but come on. It's gross. People do not wash their hands, and then I'm expected to just relieve them of half of the feces that have accumulated on their dirty, sticky, sweaty hands. Yet, I'm too polite to just say no, so I have to go use a quarter of the ginormous bottle of hand sanitizer in my car. I'm not really convinced that it kills poop, though, so I try not to touch anything until I can get somewhere and wash my hands. It's not really a germ thing, people, it's a poop thing.


6. Using Other People's Bathrooms - Okay, I guess while I'm getting this all out there, I better acknowledge this one. I just feel embarrassed, REALLY embarrassed, to use someone's bathroom. So you know if I ask, it's because it was either that or I was going to pee my pants. It's not because I'm afraid of their germs; I just feel like I'm inconveniencing people by peeing in their house.


7. Worms - Yes, the least harmless of all creatures on the planet. I am terrified of worms. Like an "I can't garden because if I see one in the soil, I will explode from the fear" kind of terrified. I'm sure that half of you are sitting there thinking that this is even stupider than maps and planetary junk. The other half, though, are surely with me in thinking that these little mofos are going to rise up one day and take over. I think the whole harmless thing is part of their evil plot. Really, they're a lot like clowns in that they want to chew your face off with their enormous mouths that have rows and rows of piranha teeth (bet you didn't know they have those...they totally do, they just hide them really well). Now you know, and forewarned is forearmed. Your best defense is going to be to scream like a three-year-old girl and run away. That's what I do, and so far it's been a successful plan.


There you have it. Now maybe you'll feel a little better about yourself, since you're not afraid of maps, like a weirdo. It's all good, since this is a public service announcement that I made to encourage all people to come together to rid the world of a more serious foe: Clowns. Or worms. Those are bad, too.
   

Today, I am having to work extra hard to concentrate on anything important because an exciting thing happened: I got tickets to go see BARRY MANILOW!

Let that sink in.

I know that may seem a little weird, but when I hear Manilow, it makes me think of being a little kid and riding in the back of our yellow station wagon, listening to what has become dentist office music (lite 70s rock, which I love).

Of course, this makes me think of the music that's coming out now, and what is going to be dentist office music when I'm old. I'd like to know if the people who are in their 80s feel the same way about music from 40 or 50 years ago that I'm going to feel about the situation when they're adjusting my dentures and I'm being sedated so I don't care that I'm listening to Ke$ha's yodelling. Is that kind of crap ever going to be soothing to people?

That is just not possible. How can you compare the warm fuzziness that happens in my stomach when I hear "I Write the Songs" to the massive vomiting that happens in the car when my husband decides to force me to listen to Lady Gaga because he thinks the look on my face is hilarious?

By the way, that's not funny at all. My ears are being physically assaulted by the soundwaves, and I may press charges. Of course, me saying this means that although I was just barely on the fringes of the line between youngish person and curmudgeon before this blog post, I am now firmly planted on the curmudgeon side.

I think I like it, as long as being a curmudgeon means I can yell at kids to get out of my yard and grumble about the price of Tums, but I can still reference Family Guy and make fart jokes whenever it's humanly possible.

Okay, okay. Enough talking. I have to get started on my outfit for the concert. I may make a homemade Manilow t-shirt, but I'm not sure yet. All I know for sure is that I'm so excited my brain may explode.

Almost forgot to post today. I know, I know...what would all three of you do if I stopped posting? It would be a tragedy and a disaster. I got distracted by a little thing called "work" that seems to take up several hours of every day.

I've decided to look at my job like that. It's just filler, killing time between all the fun things I like to do, like eating and....well...eating.

I don't have a good topic today.

I'm okay with it, though, because I think it's probably so late in the day that anyone who reads my blog regularly is going to just assume I'm not posting at all today, so no one will read this.

Or maybe I'll get 500 hits today. We'll see. It seems like the more crap my post contains, the more people want to read it.

I will leave you with a special thought: Why does my phone always ring just when I get a minute to go to the bathroom? (Oh, and "Just take your phone into the bathroom with you!" is not a feasible suggestion. I don't do that.)

I love the Schwan's man. Okay, well, mostly I love what he has in his truck, but he's also pretty cool, too. That being said, Schwan's day is a source of major turmoil at my house. It seems like we spend hours battling it out between the ice cream sandwiches and the chocolate ice cream bars and the sundae cones. Why not get them all? Because I will eat them, and that's bad.


We usually go through the catalog together while I'm cooking dinner and we're waiting for his truck to arrive. I know it's not good to shop when I'm hungry, but this is different. Everything in the catalog always looks so awesome that even when I'm not hungry, I get hungry. So there's that.


Then, we have a discussion about why we should or shouldn't buy a 50-lb. bag of tater tots or fried cheese bites. I lost yesterday, or, I should say, my good sense lost and we ended up buying the fried cheese bites. Why on earth would anyone who's on a diet buy something called fried cheese bites? Because she's an idiot. That pretty much sums that one up.


I also pick a healthy main dish of some sort, which usually sits for weeks in the freezer before I remember that we have it. Then I'll find it and make it, and we'll both sit there and say, "Mmmm...this is so good...we should totally buy more of this."


We're both lying. We know we're going back for more cheese bites and ice cream, because that's what's really delicious. We do have lots of vegetables in the freezer, too, but you don't see me having a sudden craving for a big old bowl of green beans.


Vegetables are fine, fruit is slightly better, but I think the most important food groups should be ice cream and fried foods. Fried ice cream would, therefore, be the base of my food pyramid. Above that would be fried non-ice cream foods, then above that would be cheese, then above that would be non-fried ice cream. At the very top of my food pyramid would be popcorn. I do love popcorn, so my pyramid isn't really a triangle. It's more of a square.


It's also not really fixed, as it fluctuates depending upon what I feel like eating. Meatball sandwich? It's on there, because it has cheese, so it fits into that group. Cake and cookies also fit into the ice cream section, because ice creams sometimes have cake and/or cookies in them. Coffee has cream in it (well, mine does), so it fits into the cheese section, because cheese is made of milk, and so is cream.


See? One can rationalize anything. That's why I love Schwan's. Not only do they have a catalog with brightly colored, appealing photos of food in it, but they also come right to me. No pesky trips to the store.


Maybe these are the reasons I will forever be on a diet: My inherent laziness and love of all things dairy, fried or popped. Or maybe I'm just a masochist. At any rate, I still have a bag of fried cheese in my freezer, so I guess I'm okay with it.